"Can You Hear Me Now?"

Hearing is easy, it’s listening that’s hard. 

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak~ Epictetus.

Listening is a very important part of my job as an executive coach.  Regrettably, it doesn’t come easily to me.  I often describe myself as a “verbal thinker”.  It’s not an excuse, I love language and words.  My thoughts actually show up as words.  My problem-solving materializes as internal dialogue and my end-of-day reflections flow like journal entries. It is for this reason, that closing my mouth, opening my mind and staying fully present is particularly challenging. 

Listening is one of those things that we all know is important, we would all like to do this better and yet most of us seldom spend any time working on improvement. Like taking vitamins, exercising and flossing, we get lazy and we slip into habits that are less than optimal.   Listening is a verb, and let me clarify, not the "state of being" kind of verb, it is an "active" verb….  active, in that, we have to work at it. It’s not just about sitting quietly.

So what exactly do you need to be doing to be a great listener?

1.  Be attentive.  Attentiveness is shown in your posture, your eye contact and your lack of distraction.

     (yes, I am talking about those pesky electronics)
2.  Adjust to the speaker’s pace of communicating. Wait and don’t finish sentences or help them find words,
     unless invited.  No interrupting.  (This is hardest for me)
3.  Provide encouraging responses.  Non-verbally it’s about your facial expressions: smiling and nodding.

     Use affirming verbal responses like:
                         “Uh-huh”, “I understand”, “ Of course….”
4.  Respond to what you are hearing…

     Ask questions
     Reflect back what you have heard.
                          “You don’t want to get involved with that…”

                          “You really want to make a change…”
5.  Respond to emotion even if it is not verbalized.
                          “You seem pretty upset about this…”
6.  Organize their message.  

                          “So it’s really two things that are bothering you…”
7.  Ask for permission to move the speaker to a new perspective.
                          “Do you want to know what I think?”
                          “Can I make a suggestion here?”
                          “Can I offer you some feedback?”

Here are some facts that might encourage you to join me in making better listening a priority. Take a look at these statistics from the International Listening Association (www.listen.org):

• Immediately after we listen to someone, we only recall about 50% of what they said.
• Long-term, we only remember 20% of what we hear.
• More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business.

I think Doug Larson was right when he said “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk”.  So, even though I do prefer talking, I will be forever striving to do better on this. How about you?

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"For a While, I Talked Myself into Eating Eggplant..."

While on assignment in the Berkshires of Massachusetts, I had dinner with a former colleague, a former boss of mine in fact. I was looking forward to dinner at the excellent Italian restaurant he had chosen. I pondered the menu and settled on the Veal Sorrentino.  My colleague commented on my selection, suggesting that although the veal sounded great he wasn’t really a fan of the eggplant included in the description. He went on to say that he had, for a while, talked himself into eating eggplant because he thought it was a good thing to do.  He soon decided that eggplant wasn’t for him. The idea of talking himself into eating eggplant and making a diligent effort for a while struck me as quite funny.  As I drove home the 180 + miles from the assignment I began thinking about how often I have “talked myself into” doing something because it seemed like a good idea. This concept also struck me as quite contrary to my current thinking about trusting our instincts and being true to our authentic selves. 

Let’s talk about decision making...

There is no doubt that the most effective decision making is a mix of instinct and objectivity; emotion and reasoning. Science writer and researcher Jonah Lehrer sees our daily life choices as a tug of war, an exhausting battle between our gut feelings and our reasoned thoughts.

"For a long time people have said that the best way to make a decision is to be rational," Lehrer said. "And yet, in recent years, scientists have discovered that the rational brain can only take in a few bits of information at any given moment. So, you start giving it too much information and it starts to short-circuit and sputter."

"Our emotional brain is actually much better at taking in lots and lots of information," he said. "Summarizing lots of data very efficiently, and saying, 'Here's a feeling. Don't worry about all the details. Here's a feeling. We've already taken those details into account.' "

As I get older and I reflect on the best and the worst decisions of my life I am able to identify times when I knew the right answer but chose to go another way.  It’s reassuring to know that I had the right instinct, but disappointing that I chose to not acknowledge that good instinct.

With that said, I do think there are times when we need to give ourselves a push~ to talk ourselves into doing the things we must do. 

Here are 5 times when you should let your brain take the lead

1. When you may be holding back because you lack confidence despite evidence of your capabilities.
2. When you are choosing to lean into a challenging situation~ thoughtfully and deliberately extending beyond your comfort zone. 
3. When you choose to make a conscious sacrifice of your own needs in the interest of another.
4. When fear or insecurity is taking the helm and you are clouded by strong emotion, worry or competition. 
5. When you know that on some level you may be punishing yourself from a sentiment of guilt or regret.

If you find yourself trying hard to convince yourself that something is good idea, it may be good time to check your gut.  Instincts are important in guiding our life choices. Working hard to “talk yourself into” or “out of” anything may compromise the divine guidance your inner voice can offer.

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Roots and Wings

I recently read a quote that said “There are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots and the other is wings” Hodding Carter, Jr.  As my 18 year old daughter gets ready to head off to college, I feel the truth in this.  For her whole life I have worked hard to give both her and her brother "roots".  A safe home where they could retreat and rejoice, hide or learn;  be themselves.  As they have grown I can appreciate the importance of "wings"; space to find out who they are, room to fly and explore themselves, their potential and their dreams.

When I work with professional groups, I often ask them to reflect on their work lives and to identify a manager or mentor who had impacted them in a positive way shaping their professional lives and their development. Regardless of where I am working , the answers to this question are remarkably similar.  In different vocabulary, this same concept of  Roots and Wings (safety and room) comes up again and again. It is a great metaphor for the descriptions of the managers, mentors and teachers who help us to become great.

Memorable Managers provide both Roots and Wings:

 “Roots”:

~Direction

~Guidance  

~Support

~Feedback

~Open Communication

  “Wings”:

~Stretch assignments

~Delegation

~Individual visibility & credit

~Empowerment

~Inspiration

Trust:

Trust is the key thread that contributes to most all essential leadership behaviors. Trust shows up in both the Roots category and the Wings category.  When we create an environment of trust, employees know that the relationship we share is safe.  They know that they can expect predictable responses from us, and the advocacy we express to them in private will be the same when we are publicly representing or defending them… Roots!

When we talk about the concept of wings, trust is also incredibly important.  We need to demonstrate our trust by letting go~letting go of outcomes and putting the accountability in their hands.  We need to appreciate that their path to the end result may be very different than our own and that has to be okay.  Employees need to trust that no matter what happens their manager is in their corner to figure it out, to fix it or to celebrate their success.  And lastly,  for better or worse we need to allow them to find their own place in the professional world.

Much like with our children, we are for the most part, spectators challenged to trust that all that we have invested and all that we have shared will carry them forward in the direction of success.

image credit: Plusritmova.net 

A Wishbone, a Backbone and a Funny bone

Country western singers have a knack for turning a phrase.  This one is from Reba McEntire.  The complete quote is “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.”

I agree completely.  Not a bad formula for leadership either.  When coaching, I often find myself describing a principle I refer to as the three legged stool principle. The idea is that for a stool to be in “balance” or to be “stable” we need to have equal support on all three legs. I am amazed at how often things occur in increments of threes.  In numerology, the meaning of the number three is reward and success, it also represents the connection between past present and future, and also creativity and abundance. But enough on that…  Let’s look at these three qualities and why they are so important to our effective leadership.

A Wishbone

I like the idea of a wishbone.  When we try to split a wishbone, we pull and  hope for the best.  But the point is that we don’t just close our eyes and make a wish, we PULL. Thought inspired action!   And, perhaps more importantly, we pull carefully.  We think about how to use the leverage, we consider the torque.  We observe what our opponent is doing so as to best respond to their approach. What a perfect metaphor for great leadership! Success comes with observation, strategy, optimism and a little luck.

A Backbone

A backbone is defined as a mainstay or cornerstone. In the urban dictionary it is defined as guts. It takes guts to be a good leader.  You need to believe in yourself and be brave enough to trust your instincts even when you don’t have a lot of belief in yourself. Effective leaders need to challenge the familiar and inspire support for new directions. Without guts you are just a participant; the “was also in attendance ” mention in the historical chronicle of the great success story.

A Funny bone

Everyday life is remarkably funny.  I find humor everywhere.  Even in despair I find irony and opportunities for self-deprecation. Humor is critical to our emotional well-being.  As leaders, it gives us resilience in times of great adversity and connects us to one another in our humility. Great leaders know how to laugh, they know how to take their work very seriously and themselves not quite so seriously.   

So the three-legged stool of leadership, at least for today, is the wishbone the backbone and the funny bone!  How is your balance?

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"What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness"

Clarke Welton had it right when he said "What Happens in Vagueness stays in Vagueness". In working with the fundamentals of strong leadership and communication, it recently occurred to me how often the concept of specificity comes up. So I write today in praise of specificity!

So, why specifically is being specific so important you may ask?

First, let’s talk about what you want...

We all know that specific goals are more likely to be achieved. Setting specific goals and focusing on them fervently in your daily actions is in fact, the only way you can achieve the big and bold outcomes that we all desire most.  The short-term, easier and obvious ones might be possible with less direction, but the really meaningful, long-term, "change your life" sort of goals will require some effort… some specific effort.  By maintaining a specific and laser-like focus we can choose to live in service to our greatest aspirations.

How about what you don’t want?

We can only shape the relationship interactions in our lives by...

Understanding with great clarity what is working and what is not working for us.

And then, by;

Communicating our desires, and preferences in specific, honest and respectful terms.

Need some practice getting specific?  Try keeping a journal.  There is nothing more clarifying than putting pen to paper.  

• Capture your feelings, your day dreams and wishes in writing.

• Imagine words flowing from your thoughts to the paper effortlessly and try not to filter. Just write.

• Go back and read what you have written. Select thoughts that feel most powerful for you… you will know.

• Use these thoughts to guide your plans. Start with a new page for one of these key thoughts and write more specifically about your feelings and reactions.

• Use adjectives and create a crystal clear vision of where you want to be, what you wish to achieve.

• Craft a mantra for yourself.  Make it clear and memorable.  Carry it with you and reference it often.

A clear and abiding vision can only be served with a myriad of well-executed choices big and small. Starting with a clear and specific vision is the beginning. “The fork in the road happens one hundred plus times a day, it's the choices you make that determine the shape of your life.”~ Liz Murray

So in creating your future happiness, remember the value of specificity. In the words of actress Lily Tomlin, "I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific!"

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Working 9 to THRIVE

“Don’t miss your moments!”  Arianna Huffington's voice echoed over the applause. “I suggest that you, politely escort your devices out, of your bedroom and get some sleep”. Again, laughter and applause. Wednesday night I had the privilege joining a room of professional men and women in NY eager to explore the perspectives of Arianna Huffington from her bestselling book Thrive. Thrive can be described as a heartfelt account of Arianna's very personal journey to redefine her life and more particularly her definition of success.  Ironically, the same year she was named one of the world's 100 most influential people by Time magazine, Arianna Huffington had what she calls a "wakeup call" that sent her lifestyle in a completely new direction. When she literally collapsed from exhaustion she began this  journey which is chronicled in her best-selling book. Huffington challenges our societal definition of success.  “We are entering a new era.  How we measure success is changing”.  As she began redefining her own life path and priorities, she noticed an awakening that was happening globally.

According to Huffington too many of us leave our lives--and, in fact, our souls behind when we go to work. Burnout is in fact, a disease of the modern age.  Many of us don’t know how to put limits to their professional lives. Our traditional measures of success have us chasing two outcomes; money and power. This just isn't working for us.  Huffington defines a third metric of success that includes well-being, wisdom, wonder and willingness to give.

  

Well-being

She discusses the impact of stress on our health and describes sleep deprivation as profoundly and negatively affecting our creativity, our productivity and our decision making.  She cites a study conducted by the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research that suggests that sleep deprivation reduces our emotional intelligence, self-regard, assertiveness, sense of independence, empathy toward others, quality of our interpersonal relationships, positive thinking and impulse control.

Huffington suggests that the best ways we can become healthier and happier are through sleep, mindfulness and meditation.

Wisdom

“Wisdom is about recognizing what we are really seeking: connection and love.  But in order to find them, we need to drop our relentless pursuit of success as society defines it for something more genuine, more meaningful, and more fulfilling.”

“Our big source of wisdom is intuition, our inner knowing.  We hear the message and it feels right even if we cannot explain why your intuition is always there, always reading the situation, always trying to steer us the right way.”

Arianna quips that no one’s eulogy ever mentions the deceased’s Linkedin profile or how much they raised market share. Our eulogies are always tribute to the other stuff. What we gave, how we connected, how much we meant to our family and friends, small kindnesses, lifelong passions, and the things that made us laugh. But we spend most of our waking lives focusing so much time on the things our eulogies will never cover.

Wonder

By simply paying attention we can see the beauty that surrounds us every day. We can start by acknowledging the coincidences in our daily life. “We don’t have to know what coincidences mean, or arrive at some grand conclusion when we encounter them,  but they serve as sporadic reminders to maintain our sense of wonder, to stop every now and again and allow ourselves to be fully present in the moment and open to Life’s mystery. They are a forced reboot.”

Giving

Huffington quotes Donald Moynihan, who authored a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin “…Helping others simply makes us happier…Altruism is not a form of martyrdom, it operates for many as a part of a healthy psychological reward system”. 

The effects of giving on aging are dramatic, from combating depression to encouraging brain-building activities that lower the risk of Alzheimer’s. In the workplace, volunteering creates a healthier more creative and collaborative workplace environment.  Employees who give back are more likely to assist their colleagues and less likely to quit.

For me, the test of teacher is in the behavior and not the word.  Arianna was so incredibly attentive; taking time with every interested guest. I spoke with her briefly as she signed my copy of Thrive. She made the most genuine eye contact; mindful, gracious and fully-present. I had a single thought as I left the venue "I will have what she's having!"

I have only touched the surface here.  So, if you want to have it all and you want to BELIEVE that this is truly possible, I encourage you to pick up your own copy. Thrive is available…well Everywhere!

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10 Commandments of Giving Feedback

We are approaching the middle of the year. Yeah, can you believe it? Mid-June already!  If you are a manager, you will likely be asked to provide some mid-year feedback to your direct reports.  Even if your organization doesn’t require a mid-year performance appraisal it’s a great idea to touch base.  There is still time to get things on track for a strong finish even if an employee has gone off-course. So here are the ten commandments of giving feedback.  Psst.... These work in your personal life too!

1.  Honor Contributions.

Before you even begin the feedback, value the individual. Discuss their role on the team.  Be sincere and thorough, discuss how the team member contributes.  Take your time, this will set the tone for the rest of the conversation.

2.  Give Positive Recognition and Make It Count.

Think about the strengths this person brings to the table. Be specific by giving examples that are illustrative of their strengths and encourage repeat shining performances.  Allow the positive feedback to stand alone, don't always use it as a "lead in" to more difficult topics.

3.  Be Specific.

Give examples.  Make sure your examples are recent and specific. Find a time to discuss the examples in private and allow enough time to have a good quality conversation.

4.  Describe Behavior.

Stay factual and neutral in your description.  Don’t describe why you think they are doing this or not doing that. Leave the intention to them, stay on your side of the conversation equation. Just stay with describing the observable behavior. Stay away from adjectives. Any words evoke a response and our reaction to adjectives can be very individual.  For example, words like "careless" or "not-engaged", may seem fairly innocuous to you but could be seem overly critical to another. It is safer to describe only what you can observe in specific terms.

5.  Careful with “Never”/”Always”.

Avoid words that are too extreme like “never” and “always”.  Whenever I hear these I want to challenge, Really? Always? What about the last time? Or the time before? Don’t let the conversation be sidetracked by this moot point. If the problem behavior happened it is a problem. If it is repeated share several recent examples.

6.  Ask and Listen.

Ask for their experience of the behavior to get an accurate picture of their motivations. "What happened there?" This is important to reduce defensiveness, but also to gain an accurate picture of how they might improve. Is it: Training? Poor decision-making? Time management? Organization?  Stay with their side of the story until you have a clear picture. Your communication here should be patient and open-minded. Understanding their thought process doesn’t mean you are endorsing it, just seeking clarity.

7.  Discuss "Natural" Consequences.

Discuss why the suggested change matters, what are the consequences if they don’t improve. I don’t mean disciplinary consequences although you might end up there. Why do you care?  For example, if someone misses meetings the consequence might be that they will not have access to information shared in that meeting, decisions taken there will not include their perspective may not serve their needs or those whose voice they are representing. They may even suffer a reputation hit if others see them as unreliable or disrespectful.  All of these consequences occur whenever the meeting is missed.  These are “natural” consequences, not disciplinary consequences. This makes it less personal.  You are not punishing, only holding up the mirror for them.

8.  Keep Emotional Control.

Thou shalt not lose emotional control. This seems like an obvious one but if you are angry you’d better wait a bit.  We want the emotion to match the urgency and importance of the issue, so this isn't about “sugar- coating”.  But you always want to be in control of your emotional expression in order to avoid personal attacks.

9.  Participate.

Offer support and ask for suggestions on how you might support their improvement.  You will want to be clear about how you can and cannot help.  This clarity will support your efforts to follow-up.  Now is the time to discuss the responsibility of change and what they can expect from you.  If the situation continues or gets worse you don’t want to hear later about all the things you could have or should have done to help.

10.  Be Optimistic.

Create a vision of new and improved outcomes, express your optimism about getting there and schedule some specific time to follow-up. Change is not easy and will require a level of deliberate effort.  You will want your communication to be selling and encouraging here.

Sounds easy, but of course it isn’t.   Frequency on this will increase trust so try not to let issues build-up.  Mid-year is the perfect time to get back on the feedback track!  

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