Make this Holiday Season Grate(ful)!

On Thursday, we will officially welcome the 2014 holiday season with Thanksgiving. The holiday season really is all about relationships.

Reflecting on our blessings and expressing our gratitude is a wonderful way to celebrate and enrich the relationships in our lives.

Unfortunately it is very easy to allow ourselves to become distracted by the holiday shopping, the weather events, our busy holiday social calendars, and by the challenges associated with finishing up the year's goals.  All these distrctions can make it hard to maintain a grateful perspective.

So, just in case you need a reminder, here are ten reasons to stay grateful this holiday season.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow"
~ Melody Beattie

"Gratitude is the sign of noble souls."
~Aesop

"Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for".
~Zig Ziglar

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others".

~Marcus Tullius

"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind"
~Lionel Hampton

"The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude".
~Friedrich Nietzsche

"Gratitude helps you to grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of all those around you".
~Eileen Caddy

"I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness - it's right in front of me if I'm paying attention and practicing gratitude".
~Brene Brown

"Social scientists have found that the fastest way to feel happiness is to practice gratitude."
~Chip Conley

"Feeling gratitude isn't born in us - it's something we are taught, and in turn, we teach our children".
~Joyce Brothers

And lastly, remember that actions always speak louder than words. Or, in the words of President John F. Kennedy, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

In the coming Holiday Season, may you find a moment to reflect on the blessings in your life and may you share your gratitude with those who mean the most to you.

Happy "Give Thanks-ing!"

image credit: thepaleosecret.com

Are YOU Showing Up?

Woody Allen once said that "70 percent of sucess in life is showing up". About a week ago I called Groupon,  an online discount program, to seek a refund and I had a wonderful experience.  The Customer Service Rep was quick, polite and efficient and the whole thing took only about 2 minutes. Shortly after the call, I received an email survey which seems to be more and more common. Because my experience was so good I decided to take a moment and complete the questionnaire.  About half way through the survey I came across a question asking if the Customer Service rep had been “authentic”.  I paused for a moment and thought about it. Yes, in fact she had been authentic.  I felt that we were having a real conversation.  Not the robotic, “reading from some script” experience I have often had when calling a vendor.  I trusted immediately that she was willing to do all that she could and when I hung up the phone I had complete confidence that I would in fact, see the refund.

I often speak about authenticity for individuals in leadership roles. I describe the quality as essential for effective leadership of others.  However, authenticity isn't just for managers.  It is the essence of a satisfying life.  It is an element of leadership but it is available to everyone.  Living an authentic life where we are comfortable, genuine and true to our unique nature helps us to feel better about our lives and also helps others to feel better about us.  In fact, it is essential to building meaningful and trusting relationships in our personal and professional lives, regardless of our roles.

INSEAD Adjunct Professor of Business Communication,  Steve Knight, is a highly regarded business communications specialist.  In a recent online blog he discusses authenticity.

“Whether you are in conversation with Presidents or shopkeepers, Oscar winning actors or train conductors, millionaires or people who are struggling to make a living, the Chairman, or those that keep the factory floor running, you should show up the same way in all situations. Everyone is worth it.

A true leader recognizes everyone. A true leader expresses themselves with genuine authenticity all of the time. Grace is not something one can just switch on or off when one feels like it. As a leader, grace has to be at the forefront of everything you do 100% of the time. He outlines, 

5 everyday communication habits that can help you to retrain your brain and become consciously aware and respectful of all people you come into contact with.

• Notice people, i.e. in the street, on the train, in a supermarket, in your office complex

• Make eye contact

• Give a kind and thoughtful smile

• Say hello where appropriate

• In shops and gas stations ask staff at the checkout how they are

“Take a genuine interest in your colleagues, ask questions about them and deeply listen to their answers without interrupting to add in your take on what they are saying or “Oh that happened to me once, blah, blah, blah.” When we do that, we hijack their space and we have not honored them. More often we do this out of nerves or wanting to fit in, or we are simply unaware that we are doing it, but the other person will feel, depending on their character, either disrespected, irritated, angry, insignificant or not valued. You may already be aware of how you feel when people do that to you.

With people who have a higher status than you at work or in life, start to notice if you have a “I am less- than them” feeling. This is when you might "don your less-than mask" without realizing it. The person you are talking to will no doubt sense it. They will help you if they are a genuine leader, if they are not they could take advantage of you, or you could end up getting bypassed for that promotion you so want. Start to feel comfortable in your own skin. Be your genuine authentic self." 

He concludes his blog by inviting us to “Set your path and plot your course to becoming genuinely authentic all the time, to all people. Enjoy and celebrate what comes back your way when you become a shining beacon of genuine and authentic kindness, grace, thoughtfulness and true leadership.”

So for the coming week, pay attention to how you are showing up, and make sure it is really YOU!

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When you are busy making other plans....

Last week, I took an impromptu trip to Nantucket Island.  I love to be in a summertime location after the season is over.  It invites you to enjoy it the way locals do, without all the hustle and bustle.  After a great visit I mis-planned my departure and ended up missing my scheduled mid-day ferry back to the mainland.  I was frazzled and frustrated because the mistake would cost me over three hours and would have me driving and returning home very late, compromising my next day and presenting a variety of logistical challenges.  

So I waited, and I shopped, and I beat myself up for my poor planning… for about  three hours. 

As we set out on the now evening ferry, we were engulfed in the most beautiful sunset, the sky completely lit with oranges, pinks and grays as the sun sank silently into the water.  It was truly breath-taking.  As the wind swept across the boat’s deck, and I made my way back inside the ferry, I was suddenly grateful for the delay and the beauty of that moment.  I spent the remainder of my trip back reflecting on the times when a change in plans had actually brought me something good.  

I thought  about other "good somethings"..…

• The unexpected business trips that came at the worst possible times and yet allowed me to see parts of the world I had never been to.

• I thought about thunderstorms and power outages that invited me to stop answering my emails and to build pillow forts with my kids instead.

• I thought about a friend who reminisces about a rainy shore vacation that had her children dancing and laughing in flooded puddles.  They were sad when the sun came out…

Inconveniences allow us to hit the “pause” button if we let ourselves appreciate the gap.  

In order to see the blessing you need to:

• Challenge your creativity to minimize the disruption.  Look for new ways to solve the problem by letting go of “plan A”.

• Work out our new plans and let the frustration go.  Remove the negative emotion from your thinking and stay open.

• Stay away from critical thinking and blaming. Things happen to everyone. Seeking to assign blame will only reinforce the negativity.

• Once you have a new plan, slow your thinking and look for any moment of solace in the current circumstance. Take a breath, read a book, write a letter, meditate, appreciate nature, or sightsee, have a conversation, connect with someone you haven’t seen or spoken with. Pause.

Life seldom goes the way we plan.  Our plans can fail us and these disruptions can be very difficult to weather. There are beautiful opportunities in most inconveniences.  That is not to say that the outcome is always better or even good for that matter.  However, if we can find something peaceful or reassuring or beautiful in those moments of change, it can keep us resilient and it fortifies us for the next inconvenience that is likely just around the bend.

Or, as John Lennon once said, 

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans”

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Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

I have good news for you and bad news for you… which would you like first?  Let’s go with the good news.  If you have natural empathy, you are ahead of the game. The ability to intuitively predict and read the emotional responses of others will set you ahead when it comes to negotiation, teamwork scenarios and the occasional contentious meeting.  You will handle your relationships and family matters with kindness and others will appreciate your sensitivity and diplomacy.  You will cultivate trust and others will extend you the same respect that you so effortlessly grant just about everyone in your life.  Lucky you!

Okay, so as I have said before, every coin has two sides. So let’s look at the other side of this one.  Empathy has a down-side, or shall we say it has some very real risks.  I am going to call this a boundary issue and I can speak to this because it has always been an challenge for me.  Having been blessed with a natural empathy and sensitivity and having been doubly blessed to be born into a family where empathy was encouraged and cultivated, I have been hardwired and soft-programmed in a way that keeps me on the “kinder” side of most situations. I often find myself troubled by the difficulties of others and preoccupied with issues that are not my own.  Therein lies the issue. The problem with an empathetic approach is that, if you are not careful, it invites you to take on more responsibility than you should.  I am not careful.

When personal  boundaries get blurry, no one benefits. This is when “helping” becomes “less than helpful” because we are taking the burden…or inviting the other person’s monkeys onto our backs.  We all have “monkeys” on our backs.  Monkeys are the challenges that we carry, some of our own doing and some we just end up with; our weaknesses  our fears, our bad habits, our obligations and relationships. They are uniquely our own and no one can relieve us of our monkeys, although I have to say that I have a habit of inviting lots of "visitor" monkeys onto my back, despite the fact that I have plenty of my own. Like many of us, I do this under the guise of “helping”.   So here is a useful distinction on “constructive helping”.  

Constructive helping, requires that we keep a healthy distance allowing others to overcome their own difficulties. This approach enables coping skills rather than enabling dysfunction.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself the next time you are helping someone close…

• Who is losing sleep over the issue?  Do you suddenly seem more concerned about the issue than the person in trouble?

• Can you help the other to feel confident and optimistic about the situation? If so, is their new found optimism realistic?

• Can you cultivate new capabilities that will allow the person to address future challenges in new ways?

• If you have developed a plan to correct  a situation, who wrote the plan? Could the other person recite the plan without your help?

• Does the intervention (or “bailout") create a new situation whereby they will STAY helped, or is it just a matter of time before they find themselves in the same situation?

• Do you feel excited about the help you have given or do your feel a sense of bitterness and a lack of reciprocity?  Really think on this one, because, as kind people, we will often talk ourselves out of these unpleasant feelings.  But if these feelings are surfacing, you had best listen to them.

“Constructive Help”….

• Makes others stronger
• Develops skills and allows others to see options they didn’ t have or know they had before
• Encourages independence,  self-sufficiency  and confidence

In others words, constructive help allows others to thrive despite the monkeys on their backs.  Empathy is a gift that helps you understand the needs of others and boundaries allow you to be instrumental helping them to be better! Monkeys and all!

So, the next time you find yourself doing something for someone that that you know you shouldn’t be doing, remember this old Polish proverb “Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys” and help them help themselves instead. 

image credit: KireevArt |dreamstime.com