It Starts With You: 5 Steps to a More Satisfying Work-life

I had a meeting with a coaching client last week.  Since we met I have been thinking about her transformation. Bottom line, she describes her work life as much more satisfying since we began our work together. I was so happy to hear this.

I have been thinking about what she has done that has allowed her perspective to shift so dramatically in only a few months. Here are the factors that I believe have allowed her coaching experience to be so meaningful….

1.  She consistently examines her own role in creating and navigating all of the relationships in her work life, both the good ones and the less than favorable ones.

2.  She knows the value of an olive branch.  Many people like the idea of re-inventing relationships with a “clean slate”, but are seldom willing to initiate a new way of interacting. This particular client is quite shy and initiating is hard for her and yet, even when others have treated her with a lack of respect, she is willing to lean into her discomfort and initiate a more positive relationship.

3.  She places a high value on her time and expects that an investment of her time should yield a positive return.  This seems somewhat unrelated, but it is important because by applying this philosophy to our coaching time she has a deep commitment to achieving something positive.

4.  She holds herself accountable for sustaining new habits.  She commits to these behaviors, even when she is busy, even when it isn’t going so well, and even when she just doesn’t feel like it.

5.  She is working hard at acknowledging that some things are outside of her control. She is learning to let go of the frustration that comes from dwelling on those intractable issues.

I honestly take very little credit for her changed perspective.  I can only suggest new ways of approaching situations.  Change and transformation are the product of action.  A mere suggestion can never produce meaningful results. Or, in the words of Dale Carnegie,  “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

This coaching case reminds me that it is possible to change your experience of your own work life. With diligent effort and a little emotional intelligence, specifically by modeling for others the way you would like to be treated and by managing your emotional reactions, a new level of satisfaction motivation is available to all of us.

I am privileged to support others and to see their transformations first hand. I am encouraged every time I witness that meaningful change is possible with a little humility and (more than) a little hard work.

Trading Competition for Collaboration: 7 Steps to Successful Negotiations

In any professional relationship, or any relationship for that matter, we need to manage the give and take.  Because we rely on and benefit from one another in specific ways, we have certain expectations.  Professionally speaking, we participate in organizational roles and customer relationships that require us to provide for one another and to resolve differences when this symbiosis isn’t working. On a personal level, the day to day challenges of sharing our life with another requires that we negotiate frequently with both conviction and compassion.

This topic often shows up when I am working with clients who participate in work that requires cross-functional cooperation.  That being; the shared responsibility for outcomes. In other words, one might describe their work as “My result is impacted by the accountability and engagement of others, when they slip up it affects my success”. Or, “I simply cannot make this happen without the contribution of others”. When we break it down that way, it could describe any relationship; whether it’s a colleague, a partner, a boss, a customer or even a family member, so little of what we accomplish impacts only ourselves.

I think the key to this mutual success in these negotiations lies in leaving the competition behind in the interest of cooperation.  Competition can be incredibly healthy when it drives our motivation by inspiring us to strive for more aggressive achievements, but it can also be incredibly destructive when we become preoccupied with being right and approach shared endeavors as individual sport.  

Art Markman, Professor of Psychology at The University of Texas, in a recent article published on FastCompany.com, describes the problem with competition in such situations. “Most negotiations are part of an ongoing relationship. If both of you treat that negotiation as a game in which for each point one side wins and the other loses, then you leave that negotiation with the joy of your victories and the sting of the defeats. That means that you will enter the next negotiation wanting to correct the past wrongs and to build on past successes. That can make later negotiations more intense as each side tries to avoid the mistakes of the past.”

This “scorecard” mentality creates a vicious cycle that will surely distract and erode the relationship and all future mutual outcomes. 

Here is a conversation model that will inspire collaboration and take competition out of the mix:

1. Identify shared goals or outcomes.  On a very basic level we want to know “what’s in it for me?”  Expressing that you share the same desires is a great place to start this conversation. Choose a point of alignment or agreement as your starting point.  Is there a shared commitment to a particular outcome?
2. Reinforce the shared responsibility and the unified front. Anchor new ideas expectations or requests on universally accepted assumptions, values or beliefs. "We both know how important this is".  Or "neither of us wants to suffer the consequences of this not going well". "We are in this together”.
3. Reflect on past successes.  This creates an expectation that success can be achieved.. after all, we have been there before together.
4. Seek to understand divergent goals, needs and expectations. Look for underlying concerns expressed and unexpressed. Demonstrate concern, this doesn’t mean you have to agree.
5. Ask for what you need to be successful. Be specific.  Link your request to outcomes; positive if you get what you need, negative if you have less than what you need.  Embrace a “help me to help you" mentality.
6. Negotiate levels of commitment. Be clear about what is negotiable and non-negotiable.  Best to spend some time thinking about this before this conversation.  If you cannot get full commitment on a "must have" expectation, ask the other party if they would be willing to agree to a short-term commitment or a trial basis.
7. Reinforce with anticipated pay-offs. Close with optimism and make everyone feel great about what was achieved.  This is a good way to minimize the sting of concessions that were made reluctantly in the course of the conversation.  You don’t want any second thoughts after the meeting to undermine your successful negotiation!

Achieving buy-in and collaboration is really about inspiring others, or in the words of Dwight D. Eisenhower,“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it”.

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The Curious Benefits of Curiosity

I have long believed that curiosity is a key ingredient in the making of a successful career.  I have a burning curiosity about what makes people tick and in particular what makes certain people so much more successful than others. I’m less curious about what makes storm clouds form on sunny afternoon or how a combustion engine works. I suppose it’s that way for everyone, we all have our own particular brand of curiosity.  I was intrigued when I read a blog by Warren Berger titled 3 Ways Embracing Curiosity Can Change Your Life. 

Berger quotes famous folks from Albert Einstein to Walt Disney who identify curiosity as a driver of their own success.  Berger believes that it is curiosity that is “the most valuable asset” of entrepreneurs as it drives both our progress and creativity as a society, attributing curiosity with some of the most significant breakthroughs in innovation.

Curiosity and Relationships

I consider the impact of curiosity on our relationships to be equally important. Developing a focus on understanding others can deepen our relationships; Here’s how:

• Curiosity and our use of effective questioning allows us to better understand one another. 
•  The exercise of asking questions and adding to our mental information bank is essential in broadening our perspectives.
•  It is both flattering and esteem-building when someone demonstrates genuine interest in who we are and what we think.

In these ways, the expression of our personal curiosity can be enriching for our both communication skills and our relationships.

The Watch Out

Because there is such a wealth of information literally at our fingertips, we need to manage our curiosity.  Berger suggests that the most successful innovators are the ones who know how to “narrow their focus, channeling their curiosity in a particularly promising direction.”

Like Berger, I believe that we can use curiosity as a self-motivating force, providing a wealth of inspiration and a wellspring of new ideas. In order to nourish your curiosity you need to start with an open mind, and effectively manage both internal and external distractions:

•  Stop and pay attention, take the time to “notice”.
•  Deliberately manage your judgments and translate any particular reaction to one of interest.
•  Ask a question, seek to understand.
• Consider how the new information relates to your prior assumptions.
•  Looking forward, what does this new information might mean to your opinions and perspective?

I hope that I am never done learning, and I enjoy being wrong a lot more than I used to.  After all, every time I am wrong today it allows me to be more right tomorrow than I was yesterday!

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"What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness"

Clarke Welton had it right when he said "What Happens in Vagueness stays in Vagueness". In working with the fundamentals of strong leadership and communication, it recently occurred to me how often the concept of specificity comes up. So I write today in praise of specificity!

So, why specifically is being specific so important you may ask?

First, let’s talk about what you want...

We all know that specific goals are more likely to be achieved. Setting specific goals and focusing on them fervently in your daily actions is in fact, the only way you can achieve the big and bold outcomes that we all desire most.  The short-term, easier and obvious ones might be possible with less direction, but the really meaningful, long-term, "change your life" sort of goals will require some effort… some specific effort.  By maintaining a specific and laser-like focus we can choose to live in service to our greatest aspirations.

How about what you don’t want?

We can only shape the relationship interactions in our lives by...

Understanding with great clarity what is working and what is not working for us.

And then, by;

Communicating our desires, and preferences in specific, honest and respectful terms.

Need some practice getting specific?  Try keeping a journal.  There is nothing more clarifying than putting pen to paper.

• Capture your feelings, your day dreams and wishes in writing.
• Imagine words flowing from your thoughts to the paper effortlessly and try not to filter. Just write.
• Go back and read what you have written. Select thoughts that feel most powerful for you… you will know.
• Use these thoughts to guide your plans. Start with a new page for one of these key thoughts and write more specifically about your feelings and reactions.
• Use adjectives and create a crystal clear vision of where you want to be, what you wish to achieve.
• Craft a mantra for yourself.  Make it clear and memorable.  Carry it with you and reference it often.
• A clear and abiding vision can only be served with a myriad of well-executed choices big and small. Starting with a clear and specific vision is the beginning. “The fork in the road happens one hundred plus times a day, it's the choices you make that determine the shape of your life.”~ Liz Murray

So in creating your future happiness, remember the value of specificity. In the words of actress Lily Tomlin,

"I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific!"

image credit: dreamstime.com

You Are Working in Sales! Who Knew?

While meeting with a coaching client this week, I was reminded of a book I read a couple of years ago.  I went back to this Daniel Pink read titled: To Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth about Moving Others.  We were discussing how to develop strong influencing skills.  I remembered Daniel Pink’s book because his premise is that regardless of our title or profession, we are ALL “in sales”.  I wanted to share some of his ideas, because I think they are spot-on.  

First, Pink says we are all “in sales”.  Pink says, "Like it or not, we're all in sales now. Those in leadership and management in particular spend an incredible amount of time selling to, or persuading, other people. But it’s not the deceptive, used-car-salesman kind of sales. You are selling, but the cash register is not ringing. You're selling, but the denomination isn't dollars, euros, or pesos. It is time, attention, effort, energy, commitment, those kind of things."

His book debunks many of the widely accepted ideas we have about effective sales.  His concepts appeal to me because much of what he describes as most effective in selling (influencing), closely resembles good ol’ emotional intelligence skills.

Extroverts and Introverts

We have always envisioned the back-slapping, social, talkative, extroverted types as best at “selling”.  Not so, according to Pink. In fact, he claims there is no evidence to support this idea.  “The conventional view that extroverts make the finest salespeople is so accepted that we’ve overlooked one teensy flaw: There’s almost no evidence it’s actually true”.

Pink describes a recent study “When social scientists have examined the relationship between extroverted personalities and sales success — that is, how often the cash register rings — they’ve found the link to be, at best, flimsy. For instance, one of the most comprehensive investigations, a meta-analysis of 35 studies of nearly 4,000 salespeople, found that the correlation between extroversion and sales performance was essentially zero (0.07, to be exact). Pink says, extroverts can talk too much and listen too little. They can overwhelm others with the force of their personalities."

At this point you are likely scratching your head with the obvious question.  How could introverts be stronger in selling situations?  The answer is they are not. “Introverts have their own challenges. They can be too shy to initiate, too skittish to deliver unpleasant news and too timid to close the deal.” says Pink.  So the real answer is that those middle of the road folks who are neither extroverted or introverted, fare best when we measure effective sales performance. We call these folks “ambiverts”.  Ambiverts, a term coined by social scientists in the 1920s, are people who are neither extremely introverted nor extremely extroverted.  These ambiverts, strike the right balance.  Pink describes these folks,  “They know when to speak up and when to shut up, when to inspect and when to respond, when to push and when to hold back”. The good news is that most of us fall into this middle zone, neither extremely extroverted or introverted!  That is good news, because for most of us effective influencing or “selling” is very much within our reach. 

Pink redefines the old ABC’s of selling.  The cliché acronym for the “ABCs” of effective sales was Always Be Closing.  Pink challenges this by describing a relationship that creates much more of a dialogue.  Because information is so readily available to all of us these days we “sellers” are less likely to be the only ones “in the know”. “Research shows that when there’s information parity, sellers need different kinds of knowledge,” says Pink. “You need to be able to see things from the buyer’s perspective. Be attuned to who they are, what they need, and what will motivate them to get it. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach. You also need greater self-knowledge. What are your strengths and how can you use them to your advantage? What are your weaknesses and how can you improve?” 

Whether you're pitching your boss or a customer, you'll need to master the new ABCs of selling: Attunement, Buoyancy, and Clarity.

Here's what Pink recommends:

Attunement:  Get out of your head and learn to see things from your customer's perspective.

Buoyancy:   In sales, you face a lot of rejection--"not a pond, an ocean," said Pink. Try to quickly get over it and move on.

Clarity:  To convince someone to buy your service or product, identify the problem they're trying to solve then explain how you can help.

"A shift from the skill of problem- solving to the skill of problem finding-- that's really what innovators do," said Pink. "They find problems that other people didn't realize were problems."

So next time you want to influence someone, consider them your “Customer” and close the deal!

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