A Wishbone, a Backbone and a Funny bone

Country western singers have a knack for turning a phrase.  This one is from Reba McEntire.  The complete quote is “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.”

I agree completely.  Not a bad formula for leadership either.  When coaching, I often find myself describing a principle I refer to as the three legged stool principle. The idea is that for a stool to be in “balance” or to be “stable” we need to have equal support on all three legs. I am amazed at how often things occur in increments of threes.  In numerology, the meaning of the number three is reward and success, it also represents the connection between past present and future, and also creativity and abundance. But enough on that…  Let’s look at these three qualities and why they are so important to our effective leadership.

A Wishbone

I like the idea of a wishbone.  When we try to split a wishbone, we pull and  hope for the best.  But the point is that we don’t just close our eyes and make a wish, we PULL. Thought inspired action!   And, perhaps more importantly, we pull carefully.  We think about how to use the leverage, we consider the torque.  We observe what our opponent is doing so as to best respond to their approach. What a perfect metaphor for great leadership! Success comes with observation, strategy, optimism and a little luck.

A Backbone

A backbone is defined as a mainstay or cornerstone. In the urban dictionary it is defined as guts. It takes guts to be a good leader.  You need to believe in yourself and be brave enough to trust your instincts even when you don’t have a lot of belief in yourself. Effective leaders need to challenge the familiar and inspire support for new directions. Without guts you are just a participant; the “was also in attendance ” mention in the historical chronicle of the great success story.

A Funny bone

Everyday life is remarkably funny.  I find humor everywhere.  Even in despair I find irony and opportunities for self-deprecation. Humor is critical to our emotional well-being.  As leaders, it gives us resilience in times of great adversity and connects us to one another in our humility. Great leaders know how to laugh, they know how to take their work very seriously and themselves not quite so seriously.   

So the three-legged stool of leadership, at least for today, is the wishbone the backbone and the funny bone!  How is your balance?

image credit: brookfieldcraftcenter.com

"What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness"

Clarke Welton had it right when he said "What Happens in Vagueness stays in Vagueness". In working with the fundamentals of strong leadership and communication, it recently occurred to me how often the concept of specificity comes up. So I write today in praise of specificity!

So, why specifically is being specific so important you may ask?

First, let’s talk about what you want...

We all know that specific goals are more likely to be achieved. Setting specific goals and focusing on them fervently in your daily actions is in fact, the only way you can achieve the big and bold outcomes that we all desire most.  The short-term, easier and obvious ones might be possible with less direction, but the really meaningful, long-term, "change your life" sort of goals will require some effort… some specific effort.  By maintaining a specific and laser-like focus we can choose to live in service to our greatest aspirations.

How about what you don’t want?

We can only shape the relationship interactions in our lives by...

Understanding with great clarity what is working and what is not working for us.

And then, by;

Communicating our desires, and preferences in specific, honest and respectful terms.

Need some practice getting specific?  Try keeping a journal.  There is nothing more clarifying than putting pen to paper.  

• Capture your feelings, your day dreams and wishes in writing.

• Imagine words flowing from your thoughts to the paper effortlessly and try not to filter. Just write.

• Go back and read what you have written. Select thoughts that feel most powerful for you… you will know.

• Use these thoughts to guide your plans. Start with a new page for one of these key thoughts and write more specifically about your feelings and reactions.

• Use adjectives and create a crystal clear vision of where you want to be, what you wish to achieve.

• Craft a mantra for yourself.  Make it clear and memorable.  Carry it with you and reference it often.

A clear and abiding vision can only be served with a myriad of well-executed choices big and small. Starting with a clear and specific vision is the beginning. “The fork in the road happens one hundred plus times a day, it's the choices you make that determine the shape of your life.”~ Liz Murray

So in creating your future happiness, remember the value of specificity. In the words of actress Lily Tomlin, "I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific!"

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Working 9 to THRIVE

“Don’t miss your moments!”  Arianna Huffington's voice echoed over the applause. “I suggest that you, politely escort your devices out, of your bedroom and get some sleep”. Again, laughter and applause. Wednesday night I had the privilege joining a room of professional men and women in NY eager to explore the perspectives of Arianna Huffington from her bestselling book Thrive. Thrive can be described as a heartfelt account of Arianna's very personal journey to redefine her life and more particularly her definition of success.  Ironically, the same year she was named one of the world's 100 most influential people by Time magazine, Arianna Huffington had what she calls a "wakeup call" that sent her lifestyle in a completely new direction. When she literally collapsed from exhaustion she began this  journey which is chronicled in her best-selling book. Huffington challenges our societal definition of success.  “We are entering a new era.  How we measure success is changing”.  As she began redefining her own life path and priorities, she noticed an awakening that was happening globally.

According to Huffington too many of us leave our lives--and, in fact, our souls behind when we go to work. Burnout is in fact, a disease of the modern age.  Many of us don’t know how to put limits to their professional lives. Our traditional measures of success have us chasing two outcomes; money and power. This just isn't working for us.  Huffington defines a third metric of success that includes well-being, wisdom, wonder and willingness to give.

  

Well-being

She discusses the impact of stress on our health and describes sleep deprivation as profoundly and negatively affecting our creativity, our productivity and our decision making.  She cites a study conducted by the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research that suggests that sleep deprivation reduces our emotional intelligence, self-regard, assertiveness, sense of independence, empathy toward others, quality of our interpersonal relationships, positive thinking and impulse control.

Huffington suggests that the best ways we can become healthier and happier are through sleep, mindfulness and meditation.

Wisdom

“Wisdom is about recognizing what we are really seeking: connection and love.  But in order to find them, we need to drop our relentless pursuit of success as society defines it for something more genuine, more meaningful, and more fulfilling.”

“Our big source of wisdom is intuition, our inner knowing.  We hear the message and it feels right even if we cannot explain why your intuition is always there, always reading the situation, always trying to steer us the right way.”

Arianna quips that no one’s eulogy ever mentions the deceased’s Linkedin profile or how much they raised market share. Our eulogies are always tribute to the other stuff. What we gave, how we connected, how much we meant to our family and friends, small kindnesses, lifelong passions, and the things that made us laugh. But we spend most of our waking lives focusing so much time on the things our eulogies will never cover.

Wonder

By simply paying attention we can see the beauty that surrounds us every day. We can start by acknowledging the coincidences in our daily life. “We don’t have to know what coincidences mean, or arrive at some grand conclusion when we encounter them,  but they serve as sporadic reminders to maintain our sense of wonder, to stop every now and again and allow ourselves to be fully present in the moment and open to Life’s mystery. They are a forced reboot.”

Giving

Huffington quotes Donald Moynihan, who authored a study conducted at the University of Wisconsin “…Helping others simply makes us happier…Altruism is not a form of martyrdom, it operates for many as a part of a healthy psychological reward system”. 

The effects of giving on aging are dramatic, from combating depression to encouraging brain-building activities that lower the risk of Alzheimer’s. In the workplace, volunteering creates a healthier more creative and collaborative workplace environment.  Employees who give back are more likely to assist their colleagues and less likely to quit.

For me, the test of teacher is in the behavior and not the word.  Arianna was so incredibly attentive; taking time with every interested guest. I spoke with her briefly as she signed my copy of Thrive. She made the most genuine eye contact; mindful, gracious and fully-present. I had a single thought as I left the venue "I will have what she's having!"

I have only touched the surface here.  So, if you want to have it all and you want to BELIEVE that this is truly possible, I encourage you to pick up your own copy. Thrive is available…well Everywhere!

image credit: dreamstime.com

10 Commandments of Giving Feedback

We are approaching the middle of the year. Yeah, can you believe it? Mid-June already!  If you are a manager, you will likely be asked to provide some mid-year feedback to your direct reports.  Even if your organization doesn’t require a mid-year performance appraisal it’s a great idea to touch base.  There is still time to get things on track for a strong finish even if an employee has gone off-course. So here are the ten commandments of giving feedback.  Psst.... These work in your personal life too!

1.  Honor Contributions.

Before you even begin the feedback, value the individual. Discuss their role on the team.  Be sincere and thorough, discuss how the team member contributes.  Take your time, this will set the tone for the rest of the conversation.

2.  Give Positive Recognition and Make It Count.

Think about the strengths this person brings to the table. Be specific by giving examples that are illustrative of their strengths and encourage repeat shining performances.  Allow the positive feedback to stand alone, don't always use it as a "lead in" to more difficult topics.

3.  Be Specific.

Give examples.  Make sure your examples are recent and specific. Find a time to discuss the examples in private and allow enough time to have a good quality conversation.

4.  Describe Behavior.

Stay factual and neutral in your description.  Don’t describe why you think they are doing this or not doing that. Leave the intention to them, stay on your side of the conversation equation. Just stay with describing the observable behavior. Stay away from adjectives. Any words evoke a response and our reaction to adjectives can be very individual.  For example, words like "careless" or "not-engaged", may seem fairly innocuous to you but could be seem overly critical to another. It is safer to describe only what you can observe in specific terms.

5.  Careful with “Never”/”Always”.

Avoid words that are too extreme like “never” and “always”.  Whenever I hear these I want to challenge, Really? Always? What about the last time? Or the time before? Don’t let the conversation be sidetracked by this moot point. If the problem behavior happened it is a problem. If it is repeated share several recent examples.

6.  Ask and Listen.

Ask for their experience of the behavior to get an accurate picture of their motivations. "What happened there?" This is important to reduce defensiveness, but also to gain an accurate picture of how they might improve. Is it: Training? Poor decision-making? Time management? Organization?  Stay with their side of the story until you have a clear picture. Your communication here should be patient and open-minded. Understanding their thought process doesn’t mean you are endorsing it, just seeking clarity.

7.  Discuss "Natural" Consequences.

Discuss why the suggested change matters, what are the consequences if they don’t improve. I don’t mean disciplinary consequences although you might end up there. Why do you care?  For example, if someone misses meetings the consequence might be that they will not have access to information shared in that meeting, decisions taken there will not include their perspective may not serve their needs or those whose voice they are representing. They may even suffer a reputation hit if others see them as unreliable or disrespectful.  All of these consequences occur whenever the meeting is missed.  These are “natural” consequences, not disciplinary consequences. This makes it less personal.  You are not punishing, only holding up the mirror for them.

8.  Keep Emotional Control.

Thou shalt not lose emotional control. This seems like an obvious one but if you are angry you’d better wait a bit.  We want the emotion to match the urgency and importance of the issue, so this isn't about “sugar- coating”.  But you always want to be in control of your emotional expression in order to avoid personal attacks.

9.  Participate.

Offer support and ask for suggestions on how you might support their improvement.  You will want to be clear about how you can and cannot help.  This clarity will support your efforts to follow-up.  Now is the time to discuss the responsibility of change and what they can expect from you.  If the situation continues or gets worse you don’t want to hear later about all the things you could have or should have done to help.

10.  Be Optimistic.

Create a vision of new and improved outcomes, express your optimism about getting there and schedule some specific time to follow-up. Change is not easy and will require a level of deliberate effort.  You will want your communication to be selling and encouraging here.

Sounds easy, but of course it isn’t.   Frequency on this will increase trust so try not to let issues build-up.  Mid-year is the perfect time to get back on the feedback track!  

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