5 Truths About Conflict

I know you don’t believe it, but nobody enjoys conflict.  I work with many professionals in developing their conflict skills and I can tell you that it isn’t easy for anyone.  Even folks who seem to relish the cutting remark or who seize every opportunity to undermine your direction with a provocative challenge experience many of the same misgivings as conflict-avoiders. They demonstrate their discomfort in a different way.   In any conflict situation, we have choices in how we might respond. It is an empowering concept.  Nothing is worse than feeling “powerless”. i.e. “There is nothing I can do”

5 Truths About Conflict

• Most people struggle when it comes to dealing with conflict.
• Conflict skills are learned.
• Conflict can be constructive, it can leave a relationship better off.
• We have at least five choices of how we might respond to conflict. Each option has advantages and disadvantages.
• Healthy, effective people explore all their options when  responding to conflict. 

Relying on our emotional autopilot limits our range of response and leaves potential choices un-explored.

I use the TKI conflict mode instrument, authored by by Kenneth Thomas when teaching conflict skills. He describes conflict as “the condition in which people’s concerns,  the things they care about, appear to be incompatible”. His model measures conflict response in two dimensions. Assertiveness the degree to which you satisfy your own concerns and Cooperativeness the degree to which you satisfy the other’s concerns. These are not opposite dimensions, they are two independent dimensions.  Blending these two dimensions provides five modes of response:

Competing: (High Assertive/Low Cooperative)

Non-negotiable assertive position

“I need my way on this, I cannot negotiate”

Good for important issues or unpopular decisions/tough on relationships if overused

Collaborative:  (High Assertive/Low cooperation)

Non-negotiable response that also attends to the other person’s needs

“If we work at this, we can come up with something that meets both our needs”

Facilitates win-win outcomes/ takes work and time, not always possible if desires are opposed

Compromising: (Medium Assertive and Cooperative)

Negotiable response, neither gets everything, both give up something and the resolution is a third option

“Here is something we can both live with, for now.”

Good for easing tension when there is an impasse/ both may end up somewhat disappointed

Accommodating: (Low Assertive/High Cooperative)

Responds by giving in to the other person’s preferences

‘This seems important to you, I can let you have your way here”

Relationship-builder/may leave personal desires unfulfilled

Avoiding:  (Low Assertive/Low Cooperative)

Not addressing the issue at all

“Let’s not even go there. I am choosing my battles (not this one)”

Maintains harmony and personal comfort/ issues remain unresolved

We all can identify a myriad of personal and professional conflicts in any given week.  The opportunity for growth lies in our ability to explore and build a competence and a comfort level with each of the five modes of response. 

Try this for a week...

1. Notice when your preferences differ from those of someone you encounter.
2. Pay attention to your responses.  It is likely you demonstrate one of these responses more often than any other.  We all have a “natural” or favored position on this model.
3. Choose low risk interactions at first and practice exploring your responses.
4. Practice expressing varying degrees of assertiveness and cooperation by using each of the five responses.

Thinking about your responses provides the added benefit of taking you out of your emotional brain and into a more thoughtful and measured place.  That mental exercise itself will enhance your conflict skills.

 Image credits: Conflictdynamics.com

Re-inventing the To-do List

I am a big to-do lister.  I have always been disciplined about focusing my attention and I love the feeling of crossing things off. Sometimes, I confess, I even add items I have done to the list that weren’t there just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing them off.

The Problem with the To-do List...

The problem with the “to-do” list is that is typically focuses us on the mundane tasks of the day, leaving us little time to address other areas of our lives that may need our attention.  Although we may get an instant gratification from the accomplishments, it does little to nourish our desire for true momentum in our lives.  I realize that when I become more disciplined with my to-do listing, my life can become out of balance.  Although I may be getting a lot “done”, I am likely neglecting important things like my health or my relationships. For example, I am a runner and each time I have trained for a big race I have had a strict training plan.  My single-minded focus can deliver a great result, but also keeps me from attending to the important relationships in my life because all my free time goes to training. The pleasure of that accomplishment is then tainted by the realization of those neglected priorities.  Work can do that to us as well if we are not diligent about balance.

The New Angle…

I came up with a technique that addresses this balance issue for me. I recently shared this with a friend who was out of work. She found it particularly useful for maintaining her sanity while she went through that long and difficult time.  The thing about a job search is that although you need to stay focused and diligent in pursuing your network and potential opportunities, it’s just not a full-time job.  There is a lot of waiting.  Anyone who has been through that will tell you that you will spend a lot of your time without visible results.  Feeling productive is the only way you will maintain the stamina you will need to stay confident and motivated.  Loss of a professional identity is painful, and financial well-being is an important aspect of our lives.  However, spending too much mental energy on what you don’t have at the moment is a sure-fire way to drain your battery.  So I offer this strategy, particularly to my job-seeking friends. 

Here is the Strategy…

1. Each week begin with a blank piece of paper
2. Draw a cross on the page +, creating four quadrants
3. At the top of each quadrant, name an aspect of your life. For me it's usually; Work/Professional, Relationships, Spiritual/Self-Development, Health/Wellness.
4. Then, identify a few key tasks for the week in each area. Maybe it's reading a chapter of a book, connecting with a friend you haven't seen, getting to the gym 2-3 times, as well as the day's "must-dos".

The categories can change each week.  Sometimes there is Financial heading, for example, last week I needed to put together my taxes.  Sometimes, I have an Organize heading if my environment feels chaotic.  I find this exercise of listing of a broader range of priorities in one place, on one page allows my focus to be divided appropriately.  I am not overly ambitious, just a few things in each category, but I find it really helps me maintain balance.  This gives me the sense of “whole life” accomplishment that I need to feel healthy and productive.

I will leave you with some words from poet and philosopher David Whyte who says… Start with a new to-do list each day, the one you wrote yesterday was written by the person you were yesterday. Start fresh with a beautiful blank piece of paper!

image credit: collegemonster.com

 

5 Secrets Authentic Leaders Share

If you want to enhance your satisfaction with your life, developing your authentic connection with your daily life is a great place to start.  Although no one can be authentic by trying to be like someone else, there are some key characteristics that authentic leaders share. 

They are self-aware. 

When seventy five members of Stanford Graduate School of Business Advisory Council were asked to recommend the most important capability for leaders to develop their answer was nearly unanimous: self-awareness. To ensure you are self-aware (of course, paradoxically, you won’t know it if you are not J), make time for reflection, ask for feedback, and most important, stay attuned to your physical experience of your daily life.  Your body is a very intelligent barometer of how you are doing.

They are integrated.

Mahatma Gandhi once said that “happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony”.  This is integration.   It takes some practice and some discipline.  Start by examining what you feel and what you want and then practice expressing your truth in your words and in your deeds. Strive to make them match; there is profound peace in this alignment.

They don’t compartmentalize.

Compartmentalization is defined as an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by having competing values emotions or beliefs within one self. Compartmentalizing can be valuable when we are in crisis because it allows us to continue functioning.  Regrettably, if used over time, it also prevents us from processing our life experiences and benefiting from the valuable lessons of our successes and failures. Additionally, this lack of self-processing can leave us very vulnerable to our repressed feelings.

They navigate.

Accurate self-awareness is our best compass for navigating a successful and authentic life.  In my early adult life, I used to love the singer James Taylor.  So many important events during that stage of my journey were marked by JT songs, the soundtrack of my ventures into adulthood. One line in one of his songs has always stayed with me “Every now and then,  the things I lean on lose their meaning and I find myself careening into places where I should not let me go.”  I still hear those words in my head when I get “off-course”.  I think we all know where we should “not go”.  We should never stay too long in places that make our lives smaller by limiting or diminishing us.  An authentic leader has a finely tuned internal compass and they use it to actively navigate their choices.

They stay present and open to life lessons.

Bill George describes this best in his book on Authentic Leadership titled, True North. “Each day, as you are tested in the world, you yearn to look at yourself in the mirror and to respect the person you see and the life you have chosen to lead.  Some days will be better than others, but as long as you are true to who you are, you can cope with the most difficult circumstances that life presents”.

Authentic leaders recognize that they will not always get this right, and they know tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunity to do better.  They know they will do better because they are leading a conscious life that will never allow them to “un-know” what they learned today.  

P.S. Authenticity isn’t just for leaders…. 

25 Ways to REFRESH Your Outlook This Spring!

Spring is the perfect time to “refresh”.  Like a mental spring cleaning, take some time to give your professional energy a boost.  Below are 25 great ideas.  Try one or two from each category and enjoy the booster shot of fresh perspective!

Work space

• If you are lucky enough to have a window in your work space, open the blinds and enjoy the natural extended spring daylight.
• Bring fresh flowers into your work space.
• Clean your desk. Spend 15 minutes each morning organizing your work space before you get started.  Set a timer and don't take longer than 15 minutes.
• Clean telephones and keyboards with antibacterial wipes to keep your work space germ-free.
• Try playing music on a low volume in your office, especially when you are doing routine tasks. Wear earbuds if you work in a shared space.
• Keep healthy snacks in your desk for when you get hungry. Skipping meals leads to low blood sugar and mental "fog".

Organization

• Before you leave your work space for the day, organize your calendar and your "to do" list for the next morning.
• Come in early or leave late one day and efolder all those emails in your inbox.  Then make a commitment to keep up the organization.  Asked to be removed from unnecessary distribution lists. What a relief to see that tiny number in your inbox!
• Buy yourself some colorful file folders and Post-it notes. And use them!
• Keep an empty box in the corner of your office.  As you come across files, notes or papers you don't need or want throw them in the shredder box. Eliminating the worry about tossing confidential information allows us to purge more freely. 

Relationship/ Networking

• Create a Linkedin profile or update your profile.  Take a few minutes each week to “like” a connection's posting, or to endorse their skills.
• Each day, replace one followup email with a "walk over visit" or a phone call if the person is not nearby.
• Buy a box of thank you notes and keep them in your desk drawer.  If you are a leader, make a commitment to send out one per week thanking someone for their contributions.
• Invite someone to lunch once a week.
• Each week, send one "hello" email to a colleague you haven't seen in a while. Tell them you were thinking of them and wanted to reach out to catch up. You will stay better apprised of what is going on in rest of the world, and your network will stay strong for times when you may need it.
• Put your cell phone away when you are walking to meetings or to your work space and practice making eye contact and small talk with those you may see in passing.

Personal Development

• Choose an influencer on linkedin and follow them.  You can also choose to follow editorial contributors on forbes.com, fastcompany.com, or inc.com. When their articles hit your email box print them out and place them in a reading folder. Once per week, spend the first 30 minutes of your day (somewhere other than your desk) with your coffee, reading an article. When you are finished, forward the article to a friend. Share everything you read with at least one other person.
• Purchase an audio book. Use your commute time or lunch break to listen to something you are interested in. 

Relaxation/Motivation

• Look for breathing meditations on Youtube, there are many.  Download a few to your phone or tablet. Take a 15 minute break and practice deep breathing once each day.
• Start dressing up for work again! Forget the business casual a couple days a week.
• Get up from your desk and stretch your arms, shoulders, back and neck at least every 90 minutes.
• To allow your eyes to recover, take regular breaks from looking at the computer screen. Optometrists suggest the 20/20/20 rule, that is, after 20 minutes of computer use, look at something 20 feet away for 20 seconds.
• Keep a great smelling hand lotion on your desk and massage your hands pressing your thumbs into your palms when you are using the keyboard all day (bonus aromatherapy).
• Buy yourself a beautiful journal at the office supply store or book store and keep it on the corner of your desk to capture great ideas.
• Bring in a small memento, photo or souvenir from a favorite vacation spot and mentally visit that memory when your creativity feels blocked.

As you shut down your workday, take a deep breath and think about one good thing in the day you just completed.  Be grateful for the opportunity to grow and to contribute. Acknowledge your challenges as opportunities to learn and your successes as evidence of your personal progress!  Congratulate yourself for who you are and who you are becoming!

image credit: Fotosearch.com