I know you don’t believe it, but nobody enjoys
conflict. I work with many professionals
in developing their conflict skills and I can tell you that it isn’t easy for
anyone. Even folks who seem to relish
the cutting remark or who seize every opportunity to undermine your direction
with a provocative challenge experience many of the same misgivings as conflict-avoiders.
They demonstrate their discomfort in a different way. In any conflict situation, we have choices
in how we might respond. It is an empowering concept. Nothing is worse than feeling “powerless”.
i.e. “There is nothing I can do”
5 Truths About Conflict
- Most people struggle when it comes to dealing with conflict.
- Conflict skills are learned.
- Conflict can be constructive, it can leave a relationship better off.
- We have at least five choices of how we might respond to conflict. Each option has advantages and disadvantages.
- Healthy, effective people explore all their options when responding to conflict.
Relying on our emotional autopilot limits our range of
response and leaves potential choices un-explored.
I use the TKI conflict mode instrument, authored by by Kenneth Thomas when teaching conflict skills. He describes conflict as “the condition in
which people’s concerns, the things they
care about, appear to be incompatible”. His model measures conflict response in
two dimensions. Assertiveness the degree to which you satisfy your own concerns
and Cooperativeness the degree to which you satisfy the other’s concerns. These
are not opposite dimensions, they are two independent dimensions. Blending these two dimensions provides five
modes of response:
Competing: (High
Assertive/Low Cooperative)
Non-negotiable assertive position
“I need my way on this,
I cannot negotiate”
Good for important issues or unpopular decisions/tough on
relationships if overused
Collaborative: (High Assertive/Low cooperation)
Non-negotiable response that also attends to the other
person’s needs
“If we work at this, we
can come up with something that meets both our needs”
Facilitates win-win outcomes/ takes work and time, not
always possible if desires are opposed
Compromising: (Medium
Assertive and Cooperative)
Negotiable response, neither gets everything, both give up
something and the resolution is a third option
“Here is something we
can both live with, for now.”
Good for easing tension when there is an impasse/ both may
end up somewhat disappointed
Accommodating: (Low
Assertive/High Cooperative)
Responds by giving in to the other person’s preferences
‘This seems important
to you, I can let you have your way here”
Relationship-builder/may leave personal desires unfulfilled
Avoiding: (Low Assertive/Low Cooperative)
Not addressing the issue at all
“Let’s not even go
there. I am choosing my battles (not this one)”
Maintains harmony and personal comfort/ issues remain
unresolved
We all can identify a myriad of personal and professional conflicts
in any given week. The opportunity for growth
lies in our ability to explore and build a competence and a comfort level with
each of the five modes of response.
Try this for a week...
- Notice when your preferences differ from those of someone you encounter.
- Pay attention to your responses. It is likely you demonstrate one of these responses more often than any other. We all have a “natural” or favored position on this model.
- Choose low risk interactions at first and practice exploring your responses.
- Practice expressing varying degrees of assertiveness and cooperation by using each of the five responses.
Thinking about your responses provides the added benefit of
taking you out of your emotional brain and into a more thoughtful and measured
place. That mental exercise itself will
enhance your conflict skills.
Image credits: Conflictdynamics.com
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