Make This Holiday Season Grate(ful)

On Thursday, we will officially welcome the 2015 holiday season with Thanksgiving. The holiday season really is all about relationships.

Reflecting on our blessings and expressing our gratitude is a wonderful way to celebrate and enrich the relationships in our lives.

Unfortunately, it is very easy to allow ourselves to become distracted by the holiday shopping, the weather events, our busy holiday social calendars, and by the challenges associated with finishing up the year's goals.  All these distractions can make it hard to maintain a grateful perspective.

So, just in case you need a reminder, here are ten reasons to stay grateful this holiday season.

"Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow"
~ Melody Beattie

"Gratitude is the sign of noble souls."
~Aesop

"Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for".
~Zig Ziglar

"Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others".

~Marcus Tullius

"Gratitude is when memory is stored in the heart and not in the mind"
~Lionel Hampton

"The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude".
~Friedrich Nietzsche

"Gratitude helps you to grow and expand; gratitude brings joy and laughter into your life and into the lives of all those around you".
~Eileen Caddy

"I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness - it's right in front of me if I'm paying attention and practicing gratitude".
~Brene Brown

"Social scientists have found that the fastest way to feel happiness is to practice gratitude."
~Chip Conley

"Feeling gratitude isn't born in us - it's something we are taught, and in turn, we teach our children".
~Joyce Brothers

And lastly, remember that actions always speak louder than words. Or, in the words of President John F. Kennedy, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

In the coming Holiday Season, may you find a moment to reflect on the blessings in your life and may you share your gratitude with those who mean the most to you.

Happy "Give Thanks-ing!"

image credit: thepaleosecret.com

Are YOU Showing Up?

Woody Allen once said that "70 percent of sucess in life is showing up". About a week ago I called Groupon,  an online discount program, to seek a refund and I had a wonderful experience.  The Customer Service Rep was quick, polite and efficient and the whole thing took only about 2 minutes. Shortly after the call, I received an email survey which seems to be more and more common. Because my experience was so good I decided to take a moment and complete the questionnaire.  About half way through the survey I came across a question asking if the Customer Service rep had been “authentic”.  I paused for a moment and thought about it. Yes, in fact she had been authentic.  I felt that we were having a real conversation.  Not the robotic, “reading from some script” experience I have often had when calling a vendor.  I trusted immediately that she was willing to do all that she could and when I hung up the phone I had complete confidence that I would in fact, see the refund.

I often speak about authenticity for individuals in leadership roles. I describe the quality as essential for effective leadership of others.  However, authenticity isn't just for managers.  It is the essence of a satisfying life.  It is an element of leadership but it is available to everyone.  Living an authentic life where we are comfortable, genuine and true to our unique nature helps us to feel better about our lives and also helps others to feel better about us.  In fact, it is essential to building meaningful and trusting relationships in our personal and professional lives, regardless of our roles.

INSEAD Adjunct Professor of Business Communication,  Steve Knight, is a highly regarded business communications specialist.  In a recent online blog he discusses authenticity.

“Whether you are in conversation with Presidents or shopkeepers, Oscar winning actors or train conductors, millionaires or people who are struggling to make a living, the Chairman, or those that keep the factory floor running, you should show up the same way in all situations. Everyone is worth it.

A true leader recognizes everyone. A true leader expresses themselves with genuine authenticity all of the time. Grace is not something one can just switch on or off when one feels like it. As a leader, grace has to be at the forefront of everything you do 100% of the time. He outlines, 

5 everyday communication habits that can help you to retrain your brain and become consciously aware and respectful of all people you come into contact with.

• Notice people, i.e. in the street, on the train, in a supermarket, in your office complex

• Make eye contact

• Give a kind and thoughtful smile

• Say hello where appropriate

• In shops and gas stations ask staff at the checkout how they are

“Take a genuine interest in your colleagues, ask questions about them and deeply listen to their answers without interrupting to add in your take on what they are saying or “Oh that happened to me once, blah, blah, blah.” When we do that, we hijack their space and we have not honored them. More often we do this out of nerves or wanting to fit in, or we are simply unaware that we are doing it, but the other person will feel, depending on their character, either disrespected, irritated, angry, insignificant or not valued. You may already be aware of how you feel when people do that to you.

With people who have a higher status than you at work or in life, start to notice if you have a “I am less- than them” feeling. This is when you might "don your less-than mask" without realizing it. The person you are talking to will no doubt sense it. They will help you if they are a genuine leader, if they are not they could take advantage of you, or you could end up getting bypassed for that promotion you so want. Start to feel comfortable in your own skin. Be your genuine authentic self." 

He concludes his blog by inviting us to “Set your path and plot your course to becoming genuinely authentic all the time, to all people. Enjoy and celebrate what comes back your way when you become a shining beacon of genuine and authentic kindness, grace, thoughtfulness and true leadership.”

So for the coming week, pay attention to how you are showing up, and make sure it is really YOU!

image credit: Dreamstime.com

Communicate Like A Hero

A hero sandwich that is!  Maybe you have heard about a technique whereby you begin your message with a friendly and respectful opening, then, address your direct message (the “meat”) in the second part and finish with a positive expectation… hence the “sandwich” concept.

I have seen this work so well in so many circumstances, I feel it bears repeating. Let me show you how this works…  When you begin your message from a position of alignment you put the other person at ease.  

Part One:

The first part of your message allows you to connect with your listener, grabbing their attention with your agreement, your empathetic posture, your positive intention, or your description of a shared objective.

Here are some examples…

“I understand your concerns”…

“I want this to go smoothly”

“I don’t want either of us to have a problem later”

“I know this is a very busy time for you and your group”

“I’m a reaching out to be sure that we are on the same page”

“I want to make sure you have all the details”

Part Two:

Part two is where you, as the speaker, practice your direct communication skills.  No fluff, no extra words.  Nice and concise.

Think bullet points, for example…

“Here are my three concerns”

“Here is what I need you to do”

“I want to be sure that all of these action items are addressed before the next meeting”

“These are the things that are most important to me”

“Here are all the details”

Having provided the soft opening allows you to leave all the pleasantries out here. You can be factual and straightforward. This is much more impactful than diluting the meat of your message your message with anything resembling an apologetic, or “wishy-washy” tone.

Part Three :

Here is the chance to express your gratitude, to offer your own support or to express your optimism.  Keep it simple don’t go overboard.

This might sound like…

“I’m glad we had this conversation”

“Let me know if you need anything else from me”

“Thank you for your assistance”

“I’m sure once this is resolved, things will be a lot better”

“I am looking forward to working with you”

This “sandwich technique” works equally well in person or in writing.  If you are trying to provide a paper trail or documentation, this polite and respectful approach will always represent your efficiency and professionalism.

So think of your messages in three parts and start communicating like a hero!

From Frazzle to Focus: 5 Not So Easy Steps

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog about FOCUS citing the work of Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence pioneer who describes focus as the hidden driver of success. Lately, I find myself in a state I would describe as "frazzle"; too much to do, all very critical items on my to-do list personal and professional, and lots of emotionally-charged events occurring at the same time. Okay, so life gives us these times to test our mettle and I know I am no different than anyone else.  Goleman is absolutely right about focus, but there are times when this critical element of peak performance seems completely out of reach…

What to do?  Here’s what I am trying and some of these things do seem to be working….

One thing at a time.  When the heat gets turned up and I am stressed, I feel like I have a severe case of ADHD.  It’s hard to stay still, let alone work on a task through completion. But that’s exactly what I try to do.  Once I muddle through one or two of the most challenging things on my list, I do start to feel my focus returning.

Create order.  This is my thing, when I am stressed I like to stop the clock and clean up.  I mean like "big time" clean.  I find peace in the order and I feel more comfortable having a visible accomplishment.  I have to manage this tendency because cleaning is usually not the highest priority on my list.  So I give myself 30 minutes to create some order and then I get busy with the things that I need to tackle.  That’s usually enough for me to feel more comfortable.

Breathe.  When I am stressed I notice how shallow my breath can become.  When I feel this happening, I close my eyes and I take slow deep breaths for a few minutes.  I concentrate on driving my breath down into my abdomen.  Scary how hard it is to do that sometimes.  I know my brain needs oxygen to work well and as strange as it may seem, breathing well can take some practice.

Change of scenery.  Sometimes I need to be somewhere other than my normal digs.  It seems a waste of time to travel to a coffee shop or a park to work, but eliminating the distractions of the phone and everything else that demands my attention can help.  Sometimes I just go somewhere else in the office or the house to do what I need to do.

Make time for difficult conversations.  I try to carve out time to deal with conflicts.  I don’t let the difficult conversations take place throughout the day.  If I do that,  my internal scripting and mental replay makes me pretty much useless for other things. 

So next time things get crazy, stop, breathe and hunker down and remember, as Philosopher and Psychologist William James once said; "The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."

image credit: chiroknoxville.com

Ostriches Can't Fly

Technically, ostriches can’t fly because they are not graced with a working pair of wings.  But I love the metaphor, because few things will facilitate your professional demise more certainly than keeping your head buried in the proverbial sand.

As a professional leadership coach, I have had the experience of helping countless professionals navigate and recover from what can only be described as professional upheavals. These misfortunes are often described as complete “blindsides”, coming unexpectedly “out of left field”. And yet, upon reflection, most people look back on the period of time immediately prior to the misfortune and say things like, “I should have seen it coming” or I can see now that “this was going on for a while”.

The challenge for all of us is to stay present enough to focus on the changing political tides that are shifting all the time in our professional lives, without becoming too distracted, preoccupied, or downright paranoid in the process. When I speak to professionals about participating in office politics the reaction is always the same: utter disdain, closely followed by an indignant proclamation that “I don’t engage in all that”.  As if the suggestion of exercising their professional influence deliberately is something smarmy, akin to a selling of thier soul. Whether you work in large company, a small family business or even as an independent professional serving customers, your ability to read the proverbial “writing on the wall” may be the difference between work-related success and failure. 

So what exactly can you do to prevent yourself from falling victim to the lost customer, the missed promotion, the organizational restructure that leaves you with a lousy outcome?  The best answer: stay engaged and present.

For most of us, the first reaction when things get uncertain in our work life is to “hunker down”. We stay “under the radar”, trusting that our good work will speak for itself and that things will ultimately work out for the best. This approach is risky. Whether you are serving a customer, satisfying a new boss, or trying to change a reputation issue, actively influencing your outcomes is much wiser. Here's how:

Pay Attention

Observe the relationships of others. Who seems to be in the know? What leaders seem to be losing traction, involved in less announcements, less visible in decisions, presentations? This could give you a sense of where the organization is headed. If it’s a customer you are working with, who is the true decision maker?  Make sure you are getting in front of the right people.

Trust Your Gut

We are all blessed with an instinctive “brain” that lives in our belly. It allows us to sense when things may not be quite right. Allowing your gut instinct to ruminate into worry and fear will not do you any good. If you can, instead, practice staying tuned-in to those instincts and moving that “feeling” to the rational brain for further analysis, you can capitalize on the natural foreshadowing tool that it is.  

Stay Connected

Be visible. Make sure others are always aware of what you “do all day”. This doesn’t have to be an 8-hour commercial for your personal brand. But copying others on important emails (selectively), and mentioning your daily activities in casual conversation, will allow others to stay aware of your contributions. Ask to be involved in key meetings. Ask questions and demonstrate interest, informally and often.

Listen to Influencers

Within every organization there are those whose power and influence extends far beyond the hierarchal position or pay grade. Stay familiar with those folks. Pay attention to where they are focusing their energies. Don’t ever mistake the office gossip for an influencer. If you do, you will be doing nothing but wasting your time. And when the conversation turns to conspiracy theories, it’s time to get back to work.

Embrace Change

Stay open and be on the flexible side. Changes may not be favorable but if they are already set in stone, resisting them will only alienate you. If you have legitimate concerns, make your best attempt to share them constructively and then follow orders. Time has a way of exposing flawed decision- making. You don’t have to be the one to do that if there is a resistance to rethinking an established direction. 

Volunteer

Stay positive and involved. Look for ways to make yourself indispensable. This will keep you “in the know” when new directions materialize. Helpful people simply do better when it comes to forming strong professional connections.

Address Tension

When you feel that a bridge may be burning, approach the tension with an open mind and seek to understand the source of the friction. Remember perceptions are never “wrong”. They represent the other person’s “real and accurate” experience of a situation. Share information and educate, rather than becoming defensive. Stay away from blame; it will never change the past anyway. Always bring a future mindset and a goal of having things go more smoothly in the future.

There is no single strategy that will keep your career moving in a positive direction and no advice that will protect you from the suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune from time to time. But at least for me, there is nothing worse than being caught unprepared. "Predict-ability" is the one skill that will give you an advantage no matter what your future holds. 

imagecredit:clivebates.com

The Young and the Restless

Last week, I had the privilege of assisting a colleague in an assignment at Cornell University.  The assignment was to provide mock interview training to Master’s degree students at the Johnson School of Business.  The M.B.A. program at Cornell remains one of the highest ranked M.B.A. programs in the world, so it is quite an honor to participate in preparing these young leaders for their professional futures. As I walked the campus, that felt like a country estate with all the beautiful architecture and hallowed halls, I felt lucky to be there.

I have been quite interested in the mindset and cultural differences that exist among different generations in the workforce.  It was fascinating for me to spend time in conversation with these Millennials as I asked them to describe their perspectives, their ambitions and their challenges in the format of mock job interviews. 

After conducting 35 interviews I noticed some interesting themes.

Entitled

I’ve read so much about the “entitlement mindset” of this generation. I have had my share of coaching conversations with leaders of the Baby Boomer generation who simply scratch their heads describing a generation of lazy, impatient and misguided young professionals.  I see this differently after my time at Cornell.  These young professionals are anything but lazy.  Their accomplishments and hunger for achievement is quite the opposite.  I think the difference is their motivation.  They are keenly interested in having an emotional connection to their work and their career.  They describe what interests them and what they want in response to questions about their career choices.  I found myself having to remind them to discuss the needs and wants of the interviewer selecting them for the job.  Although a bit upside down, I think their deep emotional connection to their strengths and aspirations will drive their commitment to the directions they choose.

Relationship-Driven

I was consistently reminded of their desire for relationship.  When I posed questions about the challenges of persuading others, or bringing cross-functional teams together, or dealing with difficult people they consistently described forming a personal relationship as their “go-to” plan “A” strategy.   Leaders of past generations would likely have described more strategic, political or competitive tactics in response to these questions.

Culturally Agile

The group I worked with was comprised of young professionals from many different cultural backgrounds and about a third of them had had some International experience in their educational employment/internship background.  It was interesting that for them, this was no big deal.  It often did not even occur to them to mention the global experience as a “plus” in advancing their brand story.  It’s exciting to imagine a world that is becoming smaller and smaller. So small, in fact, that our cultural differences often escape notice.

Altruistic

They have a deep commitment to participating in work that “matters”.  It is very clear that extracurricular service experiences they bring are more than resume builders.  And their desire to have a personal, value-based connection to their work and the companies they will likely join seemed a top priority for most. 

Impatient

Lastly, there is the impatience.  I would begin the interview by asking what they would like pursue and often the answer was “General Management” with a top technology or Consumer Product Goods company, or “Strategy Consulting” with one of the top four Global Management Consulting Firms.  I found it amusing (in an endearing way) because those goals are more than a few years out for these talented high potentials.  It was inspiring to see their confidence and belief in themselves.  Of course they will have a lot to learn, but I found them to be incredibly open and “coachable” and really respectful when confronted with the feedback I gave them.  I trust their self-awareness, confidence and optimism will carry them as they hit the inevitable set-backs and roadblocks we all encounter in our careers.

In the coming weeks, many of the most prestigious and well-regarded Consumer Product, Technology, Consulting and Financial Institutions in the world will descend on Cornell in the hopes of finding the next best and brightest leaders. I came away with a feeling the future is in good hands.

image credit: score.org

Re-inventing the To-do List

I am a big to-do lister.  I have always been disciplined about focusing my attention and I love the feeling of crossing things off. Sometimes, I confess, I even add items I have done to the list that weren’t there just so I can have the satisfaction of crossing them off.

The Problem with the To-do List...

The problem with the “to-do” list is that is typically focuses us on the mundane tasks of the day, leaving us little time to address other areas of our lives that may need our attention.  Although we may get an instant gratification from the accomplishments, it does little to nourish our desire for true momentum in our lives.  I realize that when I become more disciplined with my to-do listing, my life can become out of balance.  Although I may be getting a lot “done”, I am likely neglecting important things like my health or my relationships. For example, I am a runner and each time I have trained for a big race I have had a strict training plan.  My single-minded focus can deliver a great result, but also keeps me from attending to the important relationships in my life because all my free time goes to training. The pleasure of that accomplishment is then tainted by the realization of those neglected priorities.  Work can do that to us as well if we are not diligent about balance.

The New Angle…

I came up with a technique that addresses this balance issue for me. I recently shared this with a friend who was out of work. She found it particularly useful for maintaining her sanity while she went through that long and difficult time.  The thing about a job search is that although you need to stay focused and diligent in pursuing your network and potential opportunities, it’s just not a full-time job.  There is a lot of waiting.  Anyone who has been through that will tell you that you will spend a lot of your time without visible results.  Feeling productive is the only way you will maintain the stamina you will need to stay confident and motivated.  Loss of a professional identity is painful, and financial well-being is an important aspect of our lives.  However, spending too much mental energy on what you don’t have at the moment is a sure-fire way to drain your battery.  So I offer this strategy, particularly to my job-seeking friends. 

Here is the Strategy…

1. Each week begin with a blank piece of paper
2. Draw a cross on the page +, creating four quadrants
3. At the top of each quadrant, name an aspect of your life. For me it's usually; Work/Professional, Relationships, Spiritual/Self-Development, Health/Wellness.
4. Then, identify a few key tasks for the week in each area. Maybe it's reading a chapter of a book, connecting with a friend you haven't seen, getting to the gym 2-3 times, as well as the day's "must-dos".

The categories can change each week.  Sometimes there is Financial heading, for example, last week I needed to put together my taxes.  Sometimes, I have an Organize heading if my environment feels chaotic.  I find this exercise of listing of a broader range of priorities in one place, on one page allows my focus to be divided appropriately.  I am not overly ambitious, just a few things in each category, but I find it really helps me maintain balance.  This gives me the sense of “whole life” accomplishment that I need to feel healthy and productive.

I will leave you with some words from poet and philosopher David Whyte who says… Start with a new to-do list each day, the one you wrote yesterday was written by the person you were yesterday. Start fresh with a beautiful blank piece of paper!

image credit: collegemonster.com

The Salt and Pepper Years

I was thinking about how our professional perspective changes as we mature. Like most of my friends and colleagues, I am definitely in the second half of my life (and without tossing around clichés about 50 being the new 40) it will suffice to say that I have more professional years behind me than in front of me.

I was talking with an acquaintance today about a difficult business decision pertaining to an investment.  This gentleman is highly-experienced and finds himself trying to rebuild what can best be described as a "start-up". As we talked, he seemed desperate to recapture some previous success that he had once achieved.  He was so credible in his delivery and distinguished with his graying temples, as I listened intently to his examples and his stories.  He discussed his new plans and made various commitments about his willingness to “dig in and put in those 18 hour days”, determined to build something substantial again. I think that hard work is commendable, although these plans seemed a “mismatch”  for someone with his experience and impressive resume.  I asked him some questions about how he might leverage his experience in a broader and more financially beneficial way.  His circumstances certainly invite him to look at things from a new angle. This conversation had me reflecting on my own perspective and how it has evolved.  The more I thought about it, the more that I realized that I see similar shifts in others who are also at my stage of life.

Here’s  are some profound perspectives from my most senior and most accomplished counterparts: 

• They let go of the romantic notion of re-creating something they have previously achieved. They appreciate that they are different than they once were and that their personal evolution could introduce a new definition of success, never before explored.

• They look for opportunities to monetize their life experience and their developed skills in new and sometimes unconventional ways.

• They know that capitalizing on opportunities sometimes requires; that they approach things in a new way, come at challenges from a new direction, or develop a new model.   They look for new methods and resist the instinct to simply dig in and work harder and longer when the going gets tough.

• They allow the wisdom of their experience to guide their decision-making. They trust their gut and understand the key influences that have brought them success and failure in the past.

Time is a wonderful teacher leaving us with agility, resilience, wisdom and patience.  I am appreciating the wisdom these days!

In Praise of a Measured Response

I have been observing leaders in all walks of life, a favorite pastime of mine.  Although I am the least likely person to engage in a political debate, I, like the rest of the United States, have been watching the horse race leading up to our candidate selection for the next Presidential election.

When I have a strong reaction to something or someone, I usually try to understand where my reaction is coming from.  This helps me to better understand what I value and appreciate in others.  What I “hold dear” if you will.  I find that I value emotional control and a measured response above many other qualities when it comes to having respect for and giving a leader credibility. I am very happy to listen to opinions that are different than my own if they are thoughtful, strategic and based on data.  I can even be inspired by an impassioned plea even if I don’t share the passion.  It’s the emotional responses that are usually rash and acrimonious that send me diving for the remote control.  Anything that incites back-pedaling or takes days to qualify and repair is an error in judgment as far as I am concerned. 

Webster's dictionary defines a measured response as "done with both thought and care". I am not alone in the value I place on emotional control. Countless studies following Daniel Goleman's original work on Emotional Intelligence suggest that this matters a lot to most people.  Goleman describes a state when the emotion of a situation overrides your reasoning as an “amygdala hijacking”.  This emotional hijacking has three key signs: strong emotional reaction, sudden onset, and “when you reflect later, you realize it was inappropriate.”  Sounds a lot like the program guide for most televised political debates!

Here’s why emotional control matters:

Decision-Making

Emotional control allows reasoning skills to prevail supporting constructive decisions leading to better long-term outcomes.

Trust

The ability to empathize with others and to display a tolerance for alternative points of view contributes to trust. Trust is essential to building open relationships that effectively inspire the support and contributions of others.  Emotional volatility is like kryptonite to trust.

Predictability

We look to our leaders to have consistent, predictable responses.  We want to know and understand who they are so that we can offer our endorsement, our advocacy.  This can only be offered when we feel an alignment with their perspective and values.

If this is a challenge for you personally, develop strategies that allow you to keep your emotional reactions to yourself.  Successful people know how to process their emotions efficiently before they respond.  This takes some practice.  If your emotions tend to get the best of you, develop an "emotionally sensitive" vocabulary. Having responses that allow you to respond while at the same time granting you the opportunity for a moment of reflection are valuable for anyone.  For example, saying “I’m not sure I agree with that” is much better than blurting out “you are out of your mind”. After a little reflection, you will be better-equipped  to offer a strong and compelling response.  If you work at this diligently, you will shorten the reflection time and soon your emotional self-control will be available to you “real-time”.

Leadership is tough business whether you are negotiating with foreign nationals in the White House, holding down the fort in your office, or delivering bad news to your team. It’s all the same.  Emotional stress is emotional stress, and being capable of processing  that emotional stress by managing our gut reactions is critical to our success and our credibility. Maybe we are lucky that our employees don’t have to vote for us in order for us to stay around! 

image credit: neuronetlearning.com

The Power of Happy

When it comes to work and happiness most of us of the "Baby Boomer" persuasion would regard happiness as purely a bonus- something of a lucky accident that might occur on our way to the attainment of other more "legit" goals. As "Type A" folks who sacrifice much of our personal lives and wear fatigue like a badge of honor, in pursuit of achievement, advancement and the visible trappings of success, we might regard happiness as some sort of consolation prize for those who didn't quite make the cut. Maybe we are getting a little soft or just tired! But one thing is for sure, the conversation about the importance of happiness is changing.

Over the last 10-15 years new generations of leaders have brought new perspectives about what success means and even the patrician leaders who are moving into the twilight of their careers are beginning to see the light.  The light being that happiness and meaning in our work lives is a noble goal and in fact important - not only important to high-functioning company cultures, but also to the bottom line.

According to a recent article on inc.com, "Companies in all sectors have been increasingly  investing in the happiness of employees, with firms like Etsy going so far as to create a Gross Happiness Index, and Google gathering metrics to optimize the length of its free lunch lines (too long, and people are annoyed; too short, they don't get to chit-chat)."

In an article for Harvard Business Review, Shawn Achor suggests that research shows that when people work with a positive mindset, performance on nearly every level, productivity, creativity and engagement ~ improves. Yet happiness is perhaps the most misunderstood driver of performance.  Most people believe that success precedes and drives happiness when actually the opposite is true. His research in 48 countries suggests that every business outcome shows improvement when the brain is positive.

In a sweeping meta analysis of 225 academic studies, Sonya Lybomirsky, Laura King and Ed Diener found that happy employees have, on average 31% higher productivity; their sales are 37% higher; their creativity is three times higher.

Although our natural inclination toward positivity is important, we can all manage our personal sense of well-being if we incorporate positive habits into our day:

• Practice gratitude, reflect on the blessings in your life to maintain a balanced perspective.
• Exercise everyday.  If the idea of working out seems unattainable, even maintaining an active lifestyle can make a difference.
• Involve others in your life, practice reaching out and sharing your difficulties and offer your support in return.
• Look for humor and don't take yourself too seriously.
• Manage your stress with meditation and manage you goals with purpose.

Making personal happiness a priority is a win-win for everyone.  Perhaps it is time we acknowledge that happiness is the prize and not the surprise!

All for One

I was working with a team over the course of the last year to enhance their working dynamic.  Just before our last session I met with the team’s functional boss who remarked that things had improved quite a bit.  His parting comment to me was that he’d like his team to work together as well in rough waters as it does in smooth waters.

Isn’t that the ticket?  We all want that!  The only way we can build a team that weathers the stormy waters is to have a team that knows how to relate when the winds are softer.  If a team can’t master it then, they  won’t stand a chance in the tough times. However, when we build healthy and respectful habits into our team relationships we have a foundation to protect us when things get rough.

When you take a good close look at teams that survive and thrive it really comes down to 5 relationship habits:

• They focus on current circumstances, and they know each other. They adjust their expectations of one another and they worry less about what should be, and more about what is.

• They are each committed to the team’s goals, they know what needs to be done and they are willing to dive for the ball even if another member ought to be doing more.

• They each assume everyone else has the same commitment, even if it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.

• They each ask for what they need.  Healthy teams keep talking about what is wrong, but they do it in a way that encourages improvement.

• They give each other feedback and they cushion it  with kindness. “I know you don’t mean to do this”.... 'I don’t mean to call you out here...".  "I know it has gotten a lot better lately, however…"

the "Team Player" 

I’m skeptical when someone describes themselves as a "team player", especially when they continue to describe all the wonderful qualities that make them a value to a team.  The reason this challenges me is because so much of our team effectiveness requires that we leave our ego at the door. Our participation on a team can’t be a competitive exercise.  It’s more about trust, grace and patience; elevating others, bringing  weak members along and opening our minds to the inspiration of alternate perspectives.  

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "No member of a crew is praised for the rugged individuality of his rowing".

We all belong to teams. It is the construct of our lives; families, work crews or departments, neighborhoods. It is so much more rewarding  to acknowledge that state of  belonging and to enjoy the relationship and energy that can bring us, than to stay in our own agenda and go it alone. 

imagecredit: corepics.com

It Starts With You: 5 Steps to a More Satisfying Work-life

I had a meeting with a coaching client last week.  Since we met I have been thinking about her transformation. Bottom line, she describes her work life as much more satisfying since we began our work together. I was so happy to hear this.

I have been thinking about what she has done that has allowed her perspective to shift so dramatically in only a few months. Here are the factors that I believe have allowed her coaching experience to be so meaningful….

1.  She consistently examines her own role in creating and navigating all of the relationships in her work life, both the good ones and the less than favorable ones.

2.  She knows the value of an olive branch.  Many people like the idea of re-inventing relationships with a “clean slate”, but are seldom willing to initiate a new way of interacting. This particular client is quite shy and initiating is hard for her and yet, even when others have treated her with a lack of respect, she is willing to lean into her discomfort and initiate a more positive relationship.

3.  She places a high value on her time and expects that an investment of her time should yield a positive return.  This seems somewhat unrelated, but it is important because by applying this philosophy to our coaching time she has a deep commitment to achieving something positive.

4.  She holds herself accountable for sustaining new habits.  She commits to these behaviors, even when she is busy, even when it isn’t going so well, and even when she just doesn’t feel like it.

5.  She is working hard at acknowledging that some things are outside of her control. She is learning to let go of the frustration that comes from dwelling on those intractable issues.

I honestly take very little credit for her changed perspective.  I can only suggest new ways of approaching situations.  Change and transformation are the product of action.  A mere suggestion can never produce meaningful results. Or, in the words of Dale Carnegie,  “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”

This coaching case reminds me that it is possible to change your experience of your own work life. With diligent effort and a little emotional intelligence, specifically by modeling for others the way you would like to be treated and by managing your emotional reactions, a new level of satisfaction motivation is available to all of us.

I am privileged to support others and to see their transformations first hand. I am encouraged every time I witness that meaningful change is possible with a little humility and (more than) a little hard work.

Trading Competition for Collaboration: 7 Steps to Successful Negotiations

In any professional relationship, or any relationship for that matter, we need to manage the give and take.  Because we rely on and benefit from one another in specific ways, we have certain expectations.  Professionally speaking, we participate in organizational roles and customer relationships that require us to provide for one another and to resolve differences when this symbiosis isn’t working. On a personal level, the day to day challenges of sharing our life with another requires that we negotiate frequently with both conviction and compassion.

This topic often shows up when I am working with clients who participate in work that requires cross-functional cooperation.  That being; the shared responsibility for outcomes. In other words, one might describe their work as “My result is impacted by the accountability and engagement of others, when they slip up it affects my success”. Or, “I simply cannot make this happen without the contribution of others”. When we break it down that way, it could describe any relationship; whether it’s a colleague, a partner, a boss, a customer or even a family member, so little of what we accomplish impacts only ourselves.

I think the key to this mutual success in these negotiations lies in leaving the competition behind in the interest of cooperation.  Competition can be incredibly healthy when it drives our motivation by inspiring us to strive for more aggressive achievements, but it can also be incredibly destructive when we become preoccupied with being right and approach shared endeavors as individual sport.  

Art Markman, Professor of Psychology at The University of Texas, in a recent article published on FastCompany.com, describes the problem with competition in such situations. “Most negotiations are part of an ongoing relationship. If both of you treat that negotiation as a game in which for each point one side wins and the other loses, then you leave that negotiation with the joy of your victories and the sting of the defeats. That means that you will enter the next negotiation wanting to correct the past wrongs and to build on past successes. That can make later negotiations more intense as each side tries to avoid the mistakes of the past.”

This “scorecard” mentality creates a vicious cycle that will surely distract and erode the relationship and all future mutual outcomes. 

Here is a conversation model that will inspire collaboration and take competition out of the mix:

1. Identify shared goals or outcomes.  On a very basic level we want to know “what’s in it for me?”  Expressing that you share the same desires is a great place to start this conversation. Choose a point of alignment or agreement as your starting point.  Is there a shared commitment to a particular outcome?
2. Reinforce the shared responsibility and the unified front. Anchor new ideas expectations or requests on universally accepted assumptions, values or beliefs. "We both know how important this is".  Or "neither of us wants to suffer the consequences of this not going well". "We are in this together”.
3. Reflect on past successes.  This creates an expectation that success can be achieved.. after all, we have been there before together.
4. Seek to understand divergent goals, needs and expectations. Look for underlying concerns expressed and unexpressed. Demonstrate concern, this doesn’t mean you have to agree.
5. Ask for what you need to be successful. Be specific.  Link your request to outcomes; positive if you get what you need, negative if you have less than what you need.  Embrace a “help me to help you" mentality.
6. Negotiate levels of commitment. Be clear about what is negotiable and non-negotiable.  Best to spend some time thinking about this before this conversation.  If you cannot get full commitment on a "must have" expectation, ask the other party if they would be willing to agree to a short-term commitment or a trial basis.
7. Reinforce with anticipated pay-offs. Close with optimism and make everyone feel great about what was achieved.  This is a good way to minimize the sting of concessions that were made reluctantly in the course of the conversation.  You don’t want any second thoughts after the meeting to undermine your successful negotiation!

Achieving buy-in and collaboration is really about inspiring others, or in the words of Dwight D. Eisenhower,“Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it”.

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The Curious Benefits of Curiosity

I have long believed that curiosity is a key ingredient in the making of a successful career.  I have a burning curiosity about what makes people tick and in particular what makes certain people so much more successful than others. I’m less curious about what makes storm clouds form on sunny afternoon or how a combustion engine works. I suppose it’s that way for everyone, we all have our own particular brand of curiosity.  I was intrigued when I read a blog by Warren Berger titled 3 Ways Embracing Curiosity Can Change Your Life. 

Berger quotes famous folks from Albert Einstein to Walt Disney who identify curiosity as a driver of their own success.  Berger believes that it is curiosity that is “the most valuable asset” of entrepreneurs as it drives both our progress and creativity as a society, attributing curiosity with some of the most significant breakthroughs in innovation.

Curiosity and Relationships

I consider the impact of curiosity on our relationships to be equally important. Developing a focus on understanding others can deepen our relationships; Here’s how:

• Curiosity and our use of effective questioning allows us to better understand one another. 
•  The exercise of asking questions and adding to our mental information bank is essential in broadening our perspectives.
•  It is both flattering and esteem-building when someone demonstrates genuine interest in who we are and what we think.

In these ways, the expression of our personal curiosity can be enriching for our both communication skills and our relationships.

The Watch Out

Because there is such a wealth of information literally at our fingertips, we need to manage our curiosity.  Berger suggests that the most successful innovators are the ones who know how to “narrow their focus, channeling their curiosity in a particularly promising direction.”

Like Berger, I believe that we can use curiosity as a self-motivating force, providing a wealth of inspiration and a wellspring of new ideas. In order to nourish your curiosity you need to start with an open mind, and effectively manage both internal and external distractions:

•  Stop and pay attention, take the time to “notice”.
•  Deliberately manage your judgments and translate any particular reaction to one of interest.
•  Ask a question, seek to understand.
• Consider how the new information relates to your prior assumptions.
•  Looking forward, what does this new information might mean to your opinions and perspective?

I hope that I am never done learning, and I enjoy being wrong a lot more than I used to.  After all, every time I am wrong today it allows me to be more right tomorrow than I was yesterday!

image credit: coaching-journey.com

"What Happens in Vagueness Stays in Vagueness"

Clarke Welton had it right when he said "What Happens in Vagueness stays in Vagueness". In working with the fundamentals of strong leadership and communication, it recently occurred to me how often the concept of specificity comes up. So I write today in praise of specificity!

So, why specifically is being specific so important you may ask?

First, let’s talk about what you want...

We all know that specific goals are more likely to be achieved. Setting specific goals and focusing on them fervently in your daily actions is in fact, the only way you can achieve the big and bold outcomes that we all desire most.  The short-term, easier and obvious ones might be possible with less direction, but the really meaningful, long-term, "change your life" sort of goals will require some effort… some specific effort.  By maintaining a specific and laser-like focus we can choose to live in service to our greatest aspirations.

How about what you don’t want?

We can only shape the relationship interactions in our lives by...

Understanding with great clarity what is working and what is not working for us.

And then, by;

Communicating our desires, and preferences in specific, honest and respectful terms.

Need some practice getting specific?  Try keeping a journal.  There is nothing more clarifying than putting pen to paper.

• Capture your feelings, your day dreams and wishes in writing.
• Imagine words flowing from your thoughts to the paper effortlessly and try not to filter. Just write.
• Go back and read what you have written. Select thoughts that feel most powerful for you… you will know.
• Use these thoughts to guide your plans. Start with a new page for one of these key thoughts and write more specifically about your feelings and reactions.
• Use adjectives and create a crystal clear vision of where you want to be, what you wish to achieve.
• Craft a mantra for yourself.  Make it clear and memorable.  Carry it with you and reference it often.
• A clear and abiding vision can only be served with a myriad of well-executed choices big and small. Starting with a clear and specific vision is the beginning. “The fork in the road happens one hundred plus times a day, it's the choices you make that determine the shape of your life.”~ Liz Murray

So in creating your future happiness, remember the value of specificity. In the words of actress Lily Tomlin,

"I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more specific!"

image credit: dreamstime.com