The lyrics of that old Elton John song seems truer today than ever! Much of the talk this weekend about apologies and
the importance and quality of an apology has got me thinking. It seems the
quality of one’s apology is, at times, even more important than the magnitude and
consequence of the mis-step.
I certainly have been on the receiving end of more than a
few disingenuous apologies, and as a professional coach I often hear people question
the authenticity of apologies that on the surface may seem like genuine
contrition. So what makes for a good,
believable and effective apology?
Our Past Experience
It’s a fact for sure that if recent behavior seems to
be consistent with what we have experienced in the past or what we know to be
true of this individual, we will be less likely to accept their apology as
genuine. If their apology is attempt to
turn over a new leaf and change a behavior or habit they will have an uphill
battle. It’s not impossible, but it will
take some time. Most people believe what
author Paulo Coelho says that “A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.”
Empathetic Understanding
What are you sorry for? Empathy is different than sympathy. Empathy
requires that we understand the feelings of the other person. We need not agree or feel the same way but we
must understand. Any heartfelt apology
should include an expression of exactly what the affront was and an accurate appreciation
of the impact it may have had on the other person. Don’t say that you are sorry someone “feels that
way”. Maybe it’s just me, but that has always felt like a lack of
understanding.
Short and Sweet
When I hear a strong apology, I wait for the end. I need the apologizer to “stick the landing”. Like a gymnast coming off the aerial stunt.
Bam! Solid footing, no stumble no step back. Stop talking! Too often we feel the need to explain what we
were thinking, why the context of our mistake might make a difference. Reality is, nothing makes a difference until
you are able to humbly take responsibility for the impact you have on
others. There may be time later to share
your side of the story, but without the humble apology you may never have that
opportunity.
Perception is Reality
The older I get and more I explore relationships and communication
dynamics, the clearer I am about one thing.
As author and friend Bob Weyant once told me “It is not our intentions
that affect others, it is our behavior”.
If we can let go of the need to be right and if we can understand that
the truth of any event lies in each person’s individual experience of that
event, life will get a lot easier. The
burden of proving your point disappears like a cloud of smoke when you accept
that whenever others experience you;
their experience is 100% real and accurate for them in that moment.
Create a Vision of a Better Future
Commit to do better. Go easy on the “never do it again” stuff.
If you are human you will likely do it again, or something equally
insensitive. Hopefully, you will try
harder and you might care a little more. That you CAN promise! Most people prefer honest humility to empty
promises. They want to feel understood
and important.
We don’t need educate others or change their mind or
convince them of our intentions. We don’t need to point out behaviors that are
so much worse than our own to make ourselves feel better.
We need only to; understand how others experience us...decide how we feel about the impact we are having.... and (if it's important to us) promise to find ways to do better.
image credit: Huffington post
