"Can You Hear Me Now?"

Hearing is easy, it’s listening that’s hard. 

We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak~ Epictetus.

Listening is a very important part of my job as an executive coach.  Regrettably, it doesn’t come easily to me.  I often describe myself as a “verbal thinker”.  It’s not an excuse, I love language and words.  My thoughts actually show up as words.  My problem-solving materializes as internal dialogue and my end-of-day reflections flow like journal entries. It is for this reason, that closing my mouth, opening my mind and staying fully present is particularly challenging. 

Listening is one of those things that we all know is important, we would all like to do this better and yet most of us seldom spend any time working on improvement. Like taking vitamins, exercising and flossing, we get lazy and we slip into habits that are less than optimal.   Listening is a verb, and let me clarify, not the "state of being" kind of verb, it is an "active" verb….  active, in that, we have to work at it. It’s not just about sitting quietly.

So what exactly do you need to be doing to be a great listener?

1.  Be attentive.  Attentiveness is shown in your posture, your eye contact and your lack of distraction.

     (yes, I am talking about those pesky electronics)
2.  Adjust to the speaker’s pace of communicating. Wait and don’t finish sentences or help them find words,
     unless invited.  No interrupting.  (This is hardest for me)
3.  Provide encouraging responses.  Non-verbally it’s about your facial expressions: smiling and nodding.

     Use affirming verbal responses like:
                         “Uh-huh”, “I understand”, “ Of course….”
4.  Respond to what you are hearing…

     Ask questions
     Reflect back what you have heard.
                          “You don’t want to get involved with that…”

                          “You really want to make a change…”
5.  Respond to emotion even if it is not verbalized.
                          “You seem pretty upset about this…”
6.  Organize their message.  

                          “So it’s really two things that are bothering you…”
7.  Ask for permission to move the speaker to a new perspective.
                          “Do you want to know what I think?”
                          “Can I make a suggestion here?”
                          “Can I offer you some feedback?”

Here are some facts that might encourage you to join me in making better listening a priority. Take a look at these statistics from the International Listening Association (www.listen.org):

• Immediately after we listen to someone, we only recall about 50% of what they said.
• Long-term, we only remember 20% of what we hear.
• More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business.

I think Doug Larson was right when he said “Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk”.  So, even though I do prefer talking, I will be forever striving to do better on this. How about you?

imagecredit: dreamstime.com