I was finishing a coaching engagement with a very
accomplished woman this week and we were reflecting on all of her challenges
and successes. We were talking about emotional control, particularly in
management conversations.
As we were
talking, it occurred to me how often I find myself having this same
conversation. I hear from people who
have a hard time not losing their cool and those who feel demoralized when they
are on the receiving end. Passion is
powerful driver of engagement and results but when we are so emotionally
involved in our work we run the risk of emotional volatility. When it comes to
management competence, Emotional Control is a critical success factor. Unfortunately, it’s also a tough one to
master. I am not the only one who thinks
so.
In a recent article by Travis Bradberry, author of Emotional
Intelligence 2.0, cited a survey conducted by Positive Psychologist
Martin Seligman. He writes “ Self-control is so fleeting for most that when
Martin Seligman and his colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania surveyed 2
million people and asked them to rank their strengths in 24 different skills,
self-control ended up at the very bottom.”
Dr. Casey Mulqueen, a psychologist and the Director of Research and Product Development at leadership training company Tracom Group,
says: “executives can leverage psychology to be better leaders and get more out
of their employees.” The concept is based on Emotional Intelligence (EQ), the
ability to recognize, understand, and control your own and others' emotions.
Here’s a simplified explanation of what happens when you
lose emotional control: “The human brain automatically reacts to physical or
psychological threats by releasing hormones. It's a fight-or-flight response
that's a remnant of our evolution from primates”, Mulqueen says, “When the
hormones are released, it's hard to control your actions". But Mulqueen says
that you can "effectively fight your own evolution" and "rewire
your brain" to act appropriately by "recognizing your automatic
responses, labeling them, and figuring what you have control over in the
situation."
Mulqueen says that the amygdala, the part of your brain
that releases stress hormones, activates whenever our grey matter registers a
physical or psychological threat. This can happen if a colleague puts down your
idea during a company meeting, if someone yells at you, or if you're doing a
presentation and are afraid of public speaking. To battle this automatic
response you need to engage your prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain
responsible for logical reasoning and problem solving, while you're in the
situation and before you respond.
Here are some suggestions I
offer of ways to do just that:
Take a deep breath.
Deep breathing can slow your pulse and focusing on the process of
breathing will distract you from the mental hijacking that the stress hormones
are causing.
Write something down.
The process of writing is a reasoning process. Whether you are taking notes or capturing the
conversation on a flip chart, your thinking will shift to a more rational
process once you start writing.
Ask a question.
The mental process of formulating a question will help you to focus on
what the other person is trying to say even if the way they are saying it is
less than constructive.
If you can’t rein it in, ask for a break. Take a walk or schedule the conversation for
a time when "cooler heads can prevail” and it’s likely to go better. You might both benefit.
If you are in an email conversation, Begin your email by
acknowledging what the other person has said, paraphrase their concerns. This
doesn’t mean you agree, it simply means you are listening. Reread your
responses three times and neutralize argumentative phrases or words before you
send, or better yet have someone else take a look.
It’s really about harnessing your emotions and passions
so that they enrich your life and serve your purpose. Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligence guru
once said:
"When I say manage emotions, I only mean the really
distressing, incapacitating emotions. Feeling emotions is what makes life rich.
You need your passions"~ Daniel Goleman
imagecredit: mobilite.com
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